I have a plan. Acknowledging that maybe things have been a little out of control lately I need to really work on getting things back in order. (Okay… a lot out of control) After I wrote yesterday I went back and read what I had written. I have to admit that if I read that from someone else I’d have a different opinion than I had for myself. I still don’t know if I’d call it hypo-manic or full blown, but where I am is definitely too high. So now I have to be smart about it.
The first thing is I need to make myself write. Applying the discipline to myself to take the time to sit down and write helps set the tone for the whole day. It calms me and helps bring things more into focus. It also helps me take a good hard look at myself and honestly think about where I am in my cycles. Rereading yesterday’s blog really helped me to see that I was totally misjudging my mood, and that I needed to do something about it. I may not feel manic, but looking at my recent behaviors points out that I’m really not as stable as I think I am.
Making a ‘to-do’ list is helpful as well. Just like forcing myself to write, taking the time to go through the tasks I have and make a plan for how I’m going to structure my day is a good way to stay focused. It also is a way to better prioritize what needs to be done so I can be most effective. Having a plan can be calming as well. I can better pace myself, set realistic goals and measure success. When I’m all over the place it’s difficult to see what I’ve really accomplished for the day; checking off items off a list makes it easy.
I need to listen more to my body. I’m pretty good at releasing tension and relaxing when I think about it. I just have to be aware of my tension level and stop, take a deep breath; and focus on letting go. Forcing myself to relax periodically during the day helps keep me from getting too wired. Lately, by the end of the day I’ve been so tight that I actually hurt. This can be controlled by paying attention.
I’ve taken steps to stop the serial dating. I’ve emailed all the women I’ve been chatting with and going out with to let them know that I’m ‘off the market’. I’m taking away the temptation. I have also stopped going on match.com, which has been my source for all the dates. I really am comfortable with the one lady I’ve spent the most time with; I’m just going to enjoy being with her and seeing where things go over time. And yes, she knows that I’ve been doing a lot of dating; so has she. We’ve talked about ‘committing’ (I use that term a little loosely… it’s too soon for a real commitment) to each other. We’re both ready to settle down a bit and just enjoy each others’ company. We’ve also agreed not to spend ALL our free time together. I need my downtime, and know it’s a lot healthier to spend some time alone. She needs her downtime too.
The drinking has got to stop. I know it’s interfering with my medications, and is really unhealthy for my body. Again, just like the dating, discretion is the better part of valor. I just have to be strong enough not to go to the store to pick up any alcohol while I’m out. Once I get home, if I don’t have it in the house, I won’t have the temptation.
I haven’t called my Doctor yet. The biggest reason is I’m sure she’s going to want to add a new medication, and I really can’t afford to buy any more right now. With the holidays I haven’t been able to get my 40(+) hours in and will have a short paycheck coming up. Not to mention the money I’ve blown with all the dating. Yeah, I know. It’s a really poor tradeoff. But it’s done, and I have to live with the reality. I’m not ruling out talking to her, or trying to figure out a way to get more medication if that’s what she thinks I need to do. But I’m still thinking clear enough to take positive steps to reign myself in, and I’d like to give myself the chance to take care of this without adding more drugs.
Yesterday was a good day. I paid close attention to how I was feeling and started putting things into place to curb the excesses. I did get a lot accomplished at work, and felt much more productive and focused. I enjoyed a quiet night at my new lady friend’s house and limited my drinking to once glass of wine. I believe I can do this. I realize it’s just been one day. But I also feel like my thinking is not too far over the edge that I can’t at least attempt to bring things under control. I do have a plan, and think it’s reasonable and attainable. At the same time, I also recognize that it may be just too much for me to handle on my own, and will keep the option open to go for help. Awareness and honest evaluation of myself is the key. Address my excesses while I still can. I don’t think I’m too far gone yet; I need to make sure it stays that way. I’m gong to do this. I have to.