Don’t I wish!

OMG… It’s only Tuesday!  Through both November and December I only worked two full weeks in any given week.  Between holidays and using up the last of my vacation, I was able to work four or less days just about every week.  But the holidays are over.  I don’t have enough vacation to take a day every week.  So it’s back to the five day a week grind, week after week.  And it’s just Tuesday.

Oh, how I wish it were Friday!

It’s not that I don’t love my job. Okay, I don’t love my job.  But I do love having one, especially with such a great company with awesome benefits.  Believe me, I am not complaining.  I really am thankful.  I’m thankful that I had the opportunity, and that I had the skill and motivation to get and keep steady employment.  It’s a blessing; really.

It’s just that there’s no excitement to this job.  I don’t even any mental challenges.  Not only have I been doing this for decades, but I’ve managed groups who did what I’m now doing.  Actually, I’ve managed the people who managed the managers who managed the people doing what I’m doing.  (Was that clear?)  There’s quite a challenge when you are responsible for the results and wellbeing of scores of others.  If I messed up, it wasn’t my job, it was potentially the success of the entire company.  And my failure could affect all those I was responsible for.  That will keep you engaged.

But that’s not what I’m doing anymore.  I’m thankful; yes.  And I’m bored.

So in many ways I’m just living for the weekend.  That’s the time I do the things I want to do.  That’s my time to have fun.  I’ve never been one to ‘sleep in’.  I get up about the same time every day, even on days I’m not working.  Weekends however I have my nap time.  Or I guess I should say I have my naps time.  I may get out of bed at 5:00am, but by 10:00am I’m on the couch having my first nap.  It’s not for me however.  My cat loves lying with me and she doesn’t get enough time for that during the week.  Yep.  That’s my reasoning.  I may do a little reading, have lunch, and by 1:00pm it’s time for my next nap (And kitty time!).  Late afternoon I might pick up a little, or in the Summertime I’ll mow the lawn, and before you know it, its dinner time.  I’m off to my girlfriend’s house, and hang out there until the band starts at whatever venue we are going to and we head out to dance.  I do so love to dance.  Sunday’s aren’t any different, except that Sunday is Laundry day.

Yep.  I’m just living for that good ‘ol weekend.

I do wish I could travel like I used to.  I’ve been lucky that I’ve had jobs that have taken me some incredible places.  I’ve been to 37 different states in the US, UK, Ireland, Scotland, and Europe.  I was on business and by myself for the most part, sure.  But I’ve been there, and seen some wonderful things and met some fantastic people.  I’ve always wished I could go back to all those places as a real tourist.

Then there’s my retirement.  I’m not getting any younger, and it’s always been my goal to be able to stop working in my early 60’s.  Actually, for a long time the hope was mid 50’s, but it’s a little late for that.  But multiple marriages, bad planning and just plain failure to act have left me completely unprepared to stop working; ever.  The only hope I have is that our Social Security benefit doesn’t run out of money before I can start to draw back some of mine.

I really wish I weren’t bipolar.  That’s a no brainer, isn’t it?  Who in their right mind would want to live this kind of life?  I may be crazy, but I’m not stupid!  To say depressions can be bad is like saying there’s a little water in the ocean.  It can be an absolute horror beyond imagination.  Mania can actually be a blast.  Yeah, a blast like a stick of dynamite.  It might be fun while it’s happening, but it creates great damage and can hurt a lot of people.  Dynamite can be like that too.  I’ve lost so many things in the last 50 years as a result of this illness.  I’ve hurt so, so many people.

That’s the worst of all.

Thinking through this though, do I really wish all of that?  It may be only Tuesday, but it’s another day of opportunity to learn something new, do something good and help someone out.  There is so much to be appreciated in every single moment.  I am glad I have a job.  I have dependable transportation to get back and forth to work.  My house is very comfortable and I love living there.  My girlfriend is absolutely awesome.

My family is even more than awesome.

Busy is as busy does, right?  Or something to that effect.  Maybe my job duties may not be challenging, but there are other ways to keep engaged and find new goals.  There are ways to push my mind and find new activities that hold my interests.  Maybe I can’t afford to go to all those exotic destinations I want to see, but there are plenty of things to see and do within a short drive from where I live.  Even if it’s somewhere I’ve been before, my girlfriend has done very little exploring and I have had a great time introducing her to new places and experiences.  Workdays, weekends or Holidays; they are all just days.  What makes them good or bad ones is how they are used.  Challenges come from within, not from any environment.

I don’t even know that I’d say I wish I wasn’t bipolar.  It’s more of regret that I’ve hurt so many people as a result.  I do wish that hadn’t happened.  Actually, I hate that has happened.  That’s been the most horrible part of this disease.  And that’s been my biggest failure of responsibility.

So Do I wish it were Friday?  Or wish I were traveling, or had a better job, or able to retire?  I think the wish should be to be happy where I am when I am there.  No, even that isn’t a wish.  It’s a goal.

Now I’d better get to work.  I think I can improve my results if I write a new report that helps identify problem areas.  And that might take a while.  It’s not easy to figure out.  And I have another weekend trip to plan.  I should really find a place to take dance lesson too.  So much to do, so little time.  Fortunately there’s still four days left in this week to get things done.

I’m glad it’s only Tuesday.

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One Response to Don’t I wish!

  1. “I wish I wasn’t bipolar.” You aren’t. You are who you are. You have a disease called bipolar. Don’t let it define who you are as a person. I’ve had to redefine my days because I can’t teach anymore. And yes, these days include rising at 6:00am and napping at about 1:30 or 2:00. But there are ways I’m productive, ways I’ve learned to cut back and live a simpler life, ways I’ve learned to be gracious and forgiving with myself. The contentment I feel now has nothing to do with boredom – it has to do with truly being thankful for who I am and how I’ve been blessed. It’s a journey of moments. Take comfort in that.

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