I’m finding it very difficult to write these days. It’s not that I have run out of things to say…far from it. The problem has been finding the right words and having the motivation to work through it. At the same time however, life has settled down into a very comfortable routine. I’ve become very content with my life.
Bored, but content.
It has been really nice to not be caught up in some kind of crisis or wrapped up in drama. I haven’t had that opportunity much at all throughout my life and if feels really healthy. I can’t say I miss the pain either. Duh… Being miserable is…well… miserable. And depression can be deadly. There are a lot of things about the highs that I’m happy to do without as well. My mania’s can come with an anger (okay, call it rage) which certainly isn’t a good or happy place to be. Missing the excitement? Sure there is some of that. Even that however can have an uncomfortable feature. Having boundless energy is like a pot about to boil over. The excitement is almost painful to contain. No, I do not want to go back into the cycles that have shaped my world for the last 50 years.
I would like to have a little more to spice things up.
So of course the thoughts are coming back that maybe I’m not really bipolar after all. There are issues of course, and no question that I’m mentally ill. But maybe it has been personality traits and unresolved conflicts that have caused so many of my troubles. They can all be explained by that after all. Perhaps if I change some of the focus of my therapy I can deal with that without the medications.
Even if I’m not dealing with a Bipolar illness, the medications aren’t hurting anything. I should ask my therapist about that. She always says that side effects come from taking a medicine that isn’t effective for you. I wonder if the same is true if you take a medication you don’t really need at all. That’s just a curiosity though. I’m not about to change anything. There’s too much at risk.
So instead of writing about this crisis or another, working through a depression or dealing with failed relationships, there’s only the mundane and normal life to think about. There’s no need to go through the process if it doesn’t really change from one day to the next. It’s like a Dilbert cartoon where he started keeping a journal.
Monday; wrote in my journal
Tuesday: See Monday
Wednesday: See Tuesday…..
You get the idea.
That’s what it’s come down to. I go to work, spend a little quality time with my cat when I get off, then go to my Girlfriend’s house to hang out and relate each of our days to each other. Sometimes I spend the night and sometimes I go home. Weekends are predictable too. I’m almost always at her house Friday and Saturday nights. We wake up early and sit in bed having coffee for an hour or so. A quick breakfast is cooked and I head back to my place to take care of my chores and give her time to take care of hers. And of course taking naps; I always get in my weekend naps
And Monday it starts all over again.
We do have our fun times of course. Weekends are when we go out. Usually there’s somewhere with live music we can dance to, which we both love. The sex is frequent and awesome every time. There are plenty of laughs, good conversation and lots of snuggles. And so it goes week after week after week. Variations are few and even then are predictable.
So here I go complaining about what I’ve fought for so hard and long. I wanted normal, and I’ve found it. And in its own way, it’s driving me crazy!
It hasn’t been that long when things were a lot different. Of course any new relationship has its own excitement, and the one I’m in is no exception. Relationships are also to be expected to go through stages, and contentment is one of them. Before I got involved though, there were a lot of new relationships. And they were very brief relationships. Somehow the people I went out with were a lot more adventurous too; especially in the bedroom. Nothing over the top, but definitely more open minded. Oh the stories I could tell if decorum and discretion didn’t prevent. But there was a reason that none of them ever worked out until the relationship I now have.
I know, I know; there are ways to spice things up and keep a relationship new. And it’s not like I’m not happy, because I am. The challenge here is to make that contentment comfortable. I asked for it and I got it. And I’m better off because of it. But if it’s so much better, why doesn’t it feel better?
Oh yeah. It’s because my entire life I’ve been used to that wild, over the top lifestyle. A lifestyle that is unhealthy and dangerous. I’m damned lucky to have made it this far and had the opportunity to get things in order. I’m lucky, and have worked my ass off. So I’m determined to be as happy as I ought to be.
Whether I like it or not.