One of those days

I woke up in a bad mood this morning.  I’m grumpy, and it seems like everything is annoying me.  In fact, it’s not just annoying me; it’s making me mad.

Yes, that’s it.  I’m pissed.

Why?  Everything has been going so well lately… at least on the surface.  There must be something going on in the back of my head that is starting to creep out.  The subconscious mind works like a puppet master behind the curtain I think.  You feel like you’re in control, then those strings start pulling and you find yourself moving in a completely different direction.  I think my subconscious is telling me something.

Maybe I should listen.

Actually I don’t have to dig too deeply to know at least some of the things contributing to my current mood.  There are a number of things going on that I don’t like and am not comfortable with.

I woke myself up multiple times last night talking in my sleep.  I don’t think it was what I was talking about; it was the loud voice that woke me up.  I don’t remember a single thing I was thinking about, just that I kept waking up.

What forces are at work here?

I got lost on the way to work this morning.  I’ve lived in this town my whole life, and I’ve been taking the same route to work for over a year.  But damn if I didn’t miss my exit off the freeway, and I was in the next city before I even realized where I was.  I even got turned around trying to cut back through the back roads to my office and avoid getting back on the freeway.

What the hell?

It’s getting dark again when I leave for work. Where has this summer gone?  We’ve had a cool, wet season this year.  You can count the number of days that haven’t had at least some rain on one hand; with fingers left over.  Normally our weather is sunny and hot day after day.  I need that sunshine, and I’m really feeling the effects of not having it.  And now, I feel the days getting shorter and moving into the next season.  And I think I’ve mentioned;

I really hate fall.

I’m bored silly with my job.  As it usually happens, I’ve very quickly mastered my work and the challenge is gone.  Coworkers with five or six years experience in this position are coming to me for advice.   We recently put in a new computer application for our purchasing (Which is a major part of my job).  Within four hours; I had it figured out.  Now that it’s been in place for three or four weeks, I’ve become the de facto expert.  Even my Boss comes to me to explain some of the intricacies’ of the process.   It’s all so boring.

Where’s the challenge?

I’m really annoyed with the lady I’ve been seeing.  She’s absolutely suffocating me.  I know, I have been saying I want someone affectionate and physical.  But there’s a big difference between affectionate and clingy.  I want to be wanted; I don’t need to be needed.  Needing to be that touchy-feely all the time suggests a dependence and insecurity that I just don’t want to be involved with.   I can’t get within four feet of her without her latching onto me.  When we’re sitting together on the couch, she has to be draped all across me..  Once, when I was petting her dog she actually started pouting and asked me to pay attention to her instead.  I’ve worked very hard to develop a healthy and positive relationship, and this kind of behavior is neither.  Now I’m going to have to end the relationship, and I know it’s going to hurt her.

That makes me angry.

I have another friend that I’m really interested in.  She has a great sense of humor, is very talented and artistic, she has a very interesting and meaningful job, and is very attractive to boot!  We’ve become very close friends, and talk every day.  And she absolutely will have nothing else to do with me.  Even with my friends, I’ve become a huger.  There’s nothing sexual about it, just friendly contact between two people.  But she will have none of it.  It’s almost comical the way she goes out of her way to avoid even a simple hug.  I’m not saying I’m trying to get her into bed or anything, but a little expression of affection would be nice.  I know what it looks like, that I’m being ‘unfaithful’ to the other lady.  But that’s not the case at all.  In fact, she knows how often we talk, and every time we’ve gotten together.  And I know too, “maybe the relationship I’ve been trying to develop would have worked if I didn’t have another friend”.  But the truth is, I was fully committed to making it work, and would still be if she had turned out to be the person I thought she was.  And I’m really not trying to develop anything new at this point.

But damn; am I so repulsive that I can’t get a simple touch?

And speaking of healthy and positive people, my goal of late is to make sure that I’ve surrounded myself with them, and distanced myself from those who aren’t.  People like that are extremely difficult to find.  Then again, maybe the healthy ones don’t want to be around me.  What does that tell me?  I don’t think that what I’m asking and what I’m trying to do is unreasonable.

Why is it so damned hard?

I’m really feeling my age lately.  Sure my thinking is still as young as ever, but I’m very aware of my body getting older.  I see myself in the mirror and I look like an old man.  My muscle tone is fading, my skin is sagging, my hair is white and my face is wrinkled.  When the hell did this happen?  I feel like I’ve squandered my youth, and it’s too late to do anything about it.  And I have some health issues I’m really starting to worry about, but I have no health insurance and cannot afford to have it checked out.  So I worry, and realize that there’s not a damned thing I can do about it.

That really pisses me off.

So today seems like it’s going to be one of those days.  I’m using all the skills and abilities that I know, but so far it’s not helping.  I’m pissed off, and I might as well roll with it.  I think the best thing I can do for myself today is to keep my head down and my mouth shut. Tomorrow will be different, and I don’t want to do anything I’ll have to answer for.

Yes, I know.  One day I’m writing about being hopeful and excited about how well I’m doing.  Then the next I’m feeling depressed.  Now I’m angry.  Well guess what?

I’m bipolar.  We do that.

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2 Responses to One of those days

  1. Esther says:

    Hello, I read your blog for a while, for a personal reason (i had unsuccessful connection with bipolar man). I must say that you express your feelings pretty well.
    But take a good advice from a stranger. If this lady a friend of you, avoids any physical contact with you, means she doesn’t interesting in this type of connection with you and keep her borders very clear. if you will try to seduce her to change the friendship to other thing – she will be the same as your girlfriend right now. She will search for to be “she has to be draped all across me” as you describe this. Why? this is what called love usually between two people. So in this case you’ll f*ck the good friendship you had once and will destroy the relation with your girlfriend by ending this without any particular reason. Conclusions? The lost of everything again. Suggestion? Speak with your girlfriend honestly, say about your special condition and let her understand you better. Don’t cut her off. And on the other hand’ enjoy the good frienship you have with other lady without to make i worst or problem. Sounds good enough?
    Hope i wasn’t too hard though. Good luck anyway.


  2. EJ says:

    As a 48 year old male I can relate with the age feelings. I am determined not to let it get the best of me. As some might say “hair is over rated”; that is for those of us losing it and it greying all the while. With BP I try to live in the present and strive to remind myself the mantra “Live Laugh Love”. As you said though keeping your mouth shut is always are safest strategy when we feel like lashing out on the world.


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