I have never had a problem making decisions. They may not always be the best decisions, but they are always made decisively. That’s been one of the reasons I’ve done well in senior manage jobs; I can quickly asses a situation, consider my options, and commit and move on. For the most part, it’s been a real asset.
There are a number of things coming up that I need to figure out. And for the life of me I can’t seem to make up my mind as to what I should do. I’ve got to consider housing, my job, and my relationship. Okay, I don’t HAVE to decide, but I’m feeling the pressure to. My anxiety is growing with the indecision and the desire to make some changes.
I’ll start with the easy one. I’m very glad I have a job. This economy is the worst hiring environment than we’ve had in a long time. There are jobs available in my town, but all the new ones are in pharmaceuticals. And if you don’t have direct pharmaceutical experience, or an advanced science degree, they won’t even talk to you. And I have neither. I have extensive experience in operations management and running customer support organizations; and those jobs are few and far between. Not to mention, I don’t have a college degree. There are so many people with degrees that are unemployed my experience doesn’t count any more. But I’m working, so why do I feel the need to change? Very simply; I’m a contractor. And not being permanent I don’t qualify for benefits. Not to mention, the pay scale for my job is significantly less than what I’ve enjoyed in the past. I’ve taken almost a 70% pay cut over just a few years ago. So I have no health insurance. Being bipolar it’s critical that not only do I keep up with my medications, the therapy is an essential part of my treatment. Without insurance, it’s all out of pocket. Not to mention just the routine medical care and blood work that someone of my age should be getting. My salary sucks though. It’s all I can do to afford my therapy and medications; regular health maintenance is out of the question. And because if my illness, I can’t get insurance on my own. The only option is a State sponsored policy, and it’s more than I make per paycheck. The only way to change this is with a full time, regular job.
But that takes a lot of energy and time. And that’s energy and time I don’t have.
My living situation is another source of angst. I moved out to the country a year ago, which is almost 40 miles away from my office. I had spent the previous year in an apartment in town, and I felt like I had to get away from all those people. And I don’t regret it; it was really what I needed at the time. The 80 mile daily commute is taking its toll though. My car is 13 years old, and I’m really starting to worry about all the miles I’m driving. And the time is a big factor as well. I don’t mind driving, but with my energy level being as it is, by the time I get home I’m too tired to do anything. (Like look for a new job). I feel the need to move back closer to town, but I cannot decide where. It’s a relatively large metropolitan area, and plenty of country in all directions from the city. I just can’t decide which way to go. My lease is up in 6 weeks, and I’m really feeling the pressure to make some kind of decision. But I feel like a ping pong ball in a clothes dryer. My thoughts are bouncing around from one extreme to another.
Finally, there’s the situation with this lady I’ve been seeing. Don’t get me wrong; I like her. But I think she’s starting to like me WAY too much. She’s becoming way too clingy. I am very affectionate. I like hugs and snuggling. But she takes it to a whole new level. I can’t get within three feet of her without her grabbing and hanging all over me. She’s expecting me to spend all my free time with her and gets very moody when I don’t. Not to mention I feel like I’m disappointing her. But I’ve gotten used to my “Me” time; and I don’t want to lose that. I enjoy my time with her, and I really don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I’m being suffocated. My gut feeling is to run. I know, the kindest thing I can do is let her know, and in the event I do move on I should start letting her down now. But part of my indecisiveness is a fear that the problem is due to my bipolar mood. I’m not depressed, but I’m definitely in a down cycle. I just don’t know; am I melancholy because I’m not happy in the relationship, or am I not happy in the relationship because I’m melancholy?
The obvious thing to do is be patient. But I’ve also learned that not making a decision is a decision. I could miss a good job opportunity by not pushing myself to really spend the effort looking. With my lease ending in just a few weeks I could easily find myself committed for another year in a house I’m no longer thrilled with. And then there’s this whole relationship thing. If it’s not going to work, the longer I put it off the harder it’s going to be for both of us. All of these unknowns are really affecting my anxiety, and I should really just get my head on straight and move ahead.
I just can’t decide.