It’s said that April showers bring May flowers… well the weather here today should bring plenty of flowers come May. It’s a miserable rainy day. And I’m in a miserable, ugly mood.
I know it’s circumstantial. Dark rainy days are never good for me. I think I must be solar powered; without the sun I feel slow and lethargic. It doesn’t help that I didn’t get enough sleep last night either. The short night was for a good reason, I spent my evening with a friend watching old Bogart movies. And drinking wine; we drank a lot of wine. Too much wine. But I made several really bad choices. Staying out too late is going to make today that much harder. And I decided to drive home after drinking too much. It’s a miracle that I didn’t end up in jail, or killing myself or others, or both. The rain had already started, and it was a long, dangerous ride. Thankfully, God takes care of fools and drunks.
It seems like once things start off bad, everything just makes it worse. My normal 45 minute drive to work turned into almost an hour and a half. You’d think people have seen a car slide off the road before. But apparently, based on the 3 mile backup it’s still a novelty. There’s nothing like sitting dead still on a 70 mile per hour highway to improve a mood.
Work isn’t starting off any better either. In spite of the fact I came in over the weekend to do what I could to catch up, there’s still an overwhelming amount of work on my plate today. My anxiety level is through the roof just thinking about it. I shouldn’t be writing, but I just can’t motivate myself to get going. And on top of everything else, the battery in my mouse died. I have a touchpad on my laptop, but it’s a royal pain to use. It’s an aggravation.
Speaking of aggravations, it seems I have a stalker. Several months ago I met a lady through a dating site I’m on. She lives 120 miles away, and I thought I’d made it very clear from the beginning that, primarily because of the distance, I was only interested in a casual, pen pal kind of relationship. There were never any romantic advances on my part. But apparently she thought differently. Even though I only saw her twice, and it was completely platonic interaction, she’s decided we have developed a very special relationship. She emails me several times a day, texts almost as often and constantly asks me to call her and plan on coming back down to see her. I’ve been as blunt as I can, even to the point of getting ugly about it, but she just doesn’t quit. And I stopped responding to her weeks and weeks ago But I’ve already had two emails from her this morning. Thank goodness she lives so far away. That makes it much less likely that she’ll show up on my doorstep. It’s less likely, but still a possibility. I hope I never have to deal with that. I guess with internet dating it was bound to happen sooner or later, but it’s still a pain. And it’s just a little bit disturbing. I’ve seen Fatal Attraction.
So I’m feeling very ugly today. I don’t know whether I should scream or cry. Honestly, I feel like doing both. Or I’d like to find a deep dark hole to crawl into. If I wasn’t so bloody behind with work I’d take today off and hide on my couch.
But it’s one bad day. Bipolar or not we all have them. And I know that in spite of the way I’m feeling at the moment, it doesn’t mean I’m getting depressed or should expect to stay in this funk. The sun will come out, I’ll make progress with work, and I’ll look forward to spending time with others. Today will be a good day to practice some of the skills and tools I’ve gained to keep from losing it. I’m breathing deep, stopping every few minutes to relax and release the physical stress, and focusing on one task at a time. Thanks to the years of therapy I’m probably better equipped than most to get through this kind of day.
And I’m writing. That always helps.