Damn, Damn, Damn.
Here we go again. I guess my ‘normal’ cycle is about up, and I’m headed into my next upswing. All the signs are there. I’m not out of control…yet. But there’s definitely a change coming. Or maybe I should say the change has happened. Damn. Being calm and focused was sure a good place to be. It was nice while lasted.
I’ve got plenty of energy these days. Too much energy. I can’t seem to sit still and I’m bouncing around like a ping pong ball in a clothes dryer. I don’t walk, I run. (Well, trot anyway). My legs are always moving, even when I’m sitting still. Of course there’s not a lot of sitting still. I don’t stay seated very long. I’m up and down more than a hooker’s panties.
My mouth seems to have lost it’s ‘off’ switch. It’s always going, even when there’s no one else around. I find myself talking out loud I carry on a conversation with myself while I’m getting ready for work. I talk to the other drivers when I’m on my way to and from work. When I get to work before everyone else I make my plans for the day and at least attempt to set my mood. “I will stay calm today: I will act professional; I will control my mouth. And of course I’m always the first one in since I’m getting up and out so early every morning. I talk to my cat. I talk to my cat a lot. Fortunately, except for the occasional meow she’s not talking back. That would be a real problem.
And all that talking makes for a lot of entertainment for my coworkers. Every situation reminds me of a joke, which of course I have to share with everyone. And the stories! I’ve got a million of them, and have no problem sharing them with anyone and everyone. I laugh a lot. I cuss a lot. My customers love me. I’m so upbeat and positive, promising to fix whatever problem they have. And it’s refreshing for them not to be talking to a drone.
I have no problem coming up with all the topics and stories; my mind is running in overdrive. The thoughts are coming faster than I can keep up with. When you squeeze a wet sponge really hard, the water squirts out between your fingers in all directions. Well, something is squeezing my brain, and my thoughts are pouring out. Having this gush of thinking makes it really difficult to focus, and I’m getting further and further behind with my work.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to write this?
And the anger is growing. Damn it! It really pisses me off that I see my mood escalating again. It pisses me off almost as much as those buffoons driving slow in the left hand lane. Sure, they may be going faster than the right hand lane, but can’t they see I’m in a hurry? Get the hell out of my way! And my customers; they just won’t leave me the fuck alone. Can’t they see I’m trying to help them? I can’t help it if the solutions I provide aren’t what they wanted to hear. It is what it is. Get over yourselves. I have no patience with slow cashiers at the grocery store. Keep ‘em moving sweetheart! And speaking of grocery stores, why don’t people put their carts in the chute? These morons are two spaces away from the cart collection point and they leave them right in the middle of the parking space next to them. Com on people! A little exercise obviously won’t hurt you.
And there there’s the sex drive. Fortunately, I’m not in a position to act out on this. Well, I’m not putting myself in that position. Discretion is the better part of valor. I keep my happy ass at home as much as possible and stay away from tempting situations. That doesn’t mean I’m not on the dating sites again. I spend most of my nights searching through the possible matches and sending emails to strangers. But that’s pretty safe. The sites I’m on don’t have women who are going to jump into bed. So I have to keep my pecker in my pocket.
The music playing in my head is loud. It’s really loud. That doesn’t help my thinking process in the least.
And you know what’s really bizarre? I can feel my tattoos. Like the Illustrated Man it’s almost like they have a life of their own. I’m physically just as aware of them as I am of the shoes on my feet. Isn’t that crazy?
Sometimes I just want to give in to the energy. Embrace the mood and ride it as high as it will go. After all, at least until the anger gets overwhelming, mania can be fun. It’s easy to just tell myself that it’s my illness, and there’s nothing I can do about it but let it go. Hop on folks, it’s going to be a wild ride!
Fortunately, I have a plan. My Therapist is very aware of my mood change, and is helping me remember to use the techniques I’ve learned to help keep things in check. My Doctor and I have already talked about how to deal with this when it happens again. I’m only taking a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant. So as the mood ramps up I start cutting back on my antidepressant so the mood stabilizer has more of an effect. I really don’t’ want to mess with my regimen too much, but if this doesn’t help soon I’m willing to add a different medication. Being aware of what’s going on is half the battle. There’s still a rational part of my brain that recognizes the signs and knows how to fight this. I’m holding on that rational thinking as hard as I can. I can beat this. I’ve beaten this before, and have the skills to successfully bring things under control. I even try to take advantage of the runaway mouth…I keep telling myself to calm down and remember to relax. It’s all helping, and I know I can get through this. I’ve come too far to let this get the better of me. I’m going to focus on my focus; make lists of things I need to accomplish, ignore the distractions the best I can and force myself to stay on point. It can be done. I did manage to work through my blog, didn’t I?
Have I mentioned how difficult it’s been? But here it is after all.