It’s another Monday morning. I have 234 unread email messages at work. I have a bad stomach ache and threw up brushing my teeth. It’s just 7:00am, and even though I spent most of the weekend on the couch napping, I’m already exhausted.
It’s going to be a great week.
I’m really feeling my age today. Physically I feel myself falling apart. I know most of it is self induced; smoking, drinking, no exercise, not eating enough and when I do eat, its frozen dinners or ham and cheese wraps. I’ve lost a lot of weight over the past year or so, and most of it was muscle mass. I don’t have nearly the strength I’ve always had. When I look at myself in the mirror, my hair is almost completely white. Soon it will match my goatee and chest hair, which are totally white now.
I feel old.
I’m both angry and extremely disappointed with myself. The Disappointment is because I can’t seem to stop making the same mistakes over and over. I’m angry that my life is so wasted because of an illness. Well, maybe not wasted. I know at various times I’ve been able to inspire others with my forced optimism and positive attitude. But at what cost? Do I have to suffer so much just so others feel better about themselves? That hardly seems fair. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad if I’m able to help others in some way. I just wish there was an easier way to do it.
I know that my writings are read by some of the women I’ve been involved with through the years. I can only imagine that they’re thinking how glad they are that they aren’t dealing with this anymore. I’ve caused a lot of pain and always manage to take negate the good times by the bad. In the end, it always ends badly.
I can only say I’m sorry.
I know what it sounds like. I’m getting depressed again. Honestly, I don’t think so. I’m just taking an honest look at myself and facing reality. My days are endless cycles that are really without purpose. I work to support myself. When I’m not working I’m in limbo waiting for the next day. And each day I’m counting down to the weekend. Then I spend the majority of the weekend sleeping. Sure, there are times I’m in a relationship where I do have things I can look forward to and something fun to fill my time. But is my life so empty that I have to depend on others to give it meaning?
It’s not depression; it’s just the way it is.
It’s that way for a simple reason. I’m bipolar. I fight it with all the strength and intelligence I have. I have my successes along the way, but eventually I lose. It’s just another fruitless cycle. I move forward, I learn new skills and gain new insight. Then the illness kicks in and I’m out of control again.
It seems pointless.
Okay, here is when I come up with something positive and turn everything around.
I’m sorry. Today, I’ve got nothing.
I may not be able to find anything positive at the moment, but I guess the best I can do is not beat myself up over it. I’m probably just having a bad couple of days. Screwing up another relationship is weighing heavy on my mind. Yesterday was the Super Bowl…and a time for friends to get together and parties everywhere. My Super Bowl party was drinking wine and petting my cat. It’s hard to be alone when you know that so many others are getting together. I’ve recently had to end a friendship that I’ve had for the last 10 years. She’s becoming an alcoholic, is making really poor choices for her life and become abusive towards me. I’ve spent the last year trying to support her and encouraged her to get help, but she’s not even trying. I can’t fix her, and I shouldn’t even try. But my life is hard enough without surrounding myself with others who are just as out of control as I am. I need positive people in my life. Still, we’ve been extremely close over the years, and it’s sad that I’ve lost her.
So there are lots of reasons to be down on myself today. That doesn’t make it a depression. It’s just another part of my current reality.
My goal for today is to give myself permission to have a bad day. It’s impossible to be positive and upbeat all the time. I’ve got my weekly therapy session tonight, and I’m hoping it will help me put things back into perspective. I guess that in itself is a positive.
I still have hope.