Looking foward

It’s been one hell of a week.  I’ve had my ass kicked three ways from Sunday.  I haven’t written anything lately because there just hasn’t been time.  Work has been wearing me out, and when I wasn’t working other changes I’ve gone through this week wiped out any energy I had left.

It hasn’t been fun.

The job I’m in now can be extremely stressful.  I interact between high dollar sales people and their customers to solve problems.  So on the one side I have the customer who is angry about whatever problem they’re having, and on the other side I have Sales pushing me to clean up the issues and protect their income.  Or as they’d have you believe, the company’s income.  (Or maybe it’s a little bit of both).  Add to that the overwhelming volume of issues we’re expected to deal with.  On any given day I have between 70 and 100 active issues I’m working.  There’s just not enough time to get to them all.

It’s becoming a little scary.

After I was fully trained and up to speed, I was handling the pressure with no problem.  I was able to stay organized more or less, and was keeping up with my paperwork as well as those who have been doing this for years.  I was way ahead of others who had started about the same time I did.  But this week that wasn’t the case.  I couldn’t finish one task before I had to jump to another, and it led to many mistakes both with my documentation and with my decisions.  By the end of the week I found myself getting angry about it.  I was angry at myself for not being able to stay calm and handle it.

Friday came just in time.  I’ve been counting on spending the weekend trying to restore my balance and calm.

I did get the issues with my lady friend resolved.  It had gotten bad last weekend when she found out she had a new job.  But the job is for second shift, and I wasn’t happy about the limited time that was going to be left for me.  I said some things and hurt her feelings.  But after we’d stayed apart a few days, she worked through her own emotions; we talked; and we got everything resolved.  But then, her week got crazy busy, and I didn’t see her the rest of the week.  We chatted every day; texting back and forth most of the day and talking on the phone at night.  I missed being with her, but it wasn’t that bad.  We knew we were going to spend the weekend together and make up for lost time.

Then I blew it.

She had an exceptionally hard day on Thursday.  It started with an argument with her ex-husband and went downhill from there.  I talked to her some during the day, and patiently listened as she vented about all the crap she was going through.  And I really was patiently listening.   I understood what she was going through.

Because her day sucked so bad, by the time I finished work she had stopped texting me.  I came home, made some dinner (If you can call sticking a frozen dinner in the microwave ‘making dinner’) and settled in to watch some TV.  I was a little concerned that I wasn’t hearing from her, but like I said, I understood.  Then about 9:00 I got a text from her that was a little snippy because she said I wasn’t responding to her text.  Apparently she had been sending me some, but they never made it through so I couldn’t respond.  She wasn’t ugly about it, just a little annoyed.  I tried to explain (via text) that I hadn’t received anything, but that just made her more annoyed.  Then she stopped responding to my text altogether.

I freaked out.

All I could think about was how unfair she was being because she wouldn’t let me explain what had happened.  I started sending text after text, escalating in frustration with each one.  Then I started calling.  Of course she didn’t answer, so I left voice mails again trying to explain and asking her to call me.  This went on for about an hour before I gave up and went to bed.

Did I mention I had been drinking?

This morning I started with a text to her that said “I realized this morning that I over did it.  I should have just recognized that you were having a bad day and left you alone.  I can be such an idiot sometimes, and I’m sorry.”  Her response?  “This is just too much for me to deal with right now”.

I didn’t hear from her again the rest of the day.

Finally, around 4:00 I texted her and just asked if she was doing okay.  We were planning to spend tonight together, and it was about time for me to get off work, so when she didn’t respond to that I called and left voice mail that I again hoped she was doing okay, and I was a little worried that I hadn’t heard from her like normal.  Finally, at 6:00 just when I was leaving she responded… she just said “I’m okay”.  And that was it.

I strongly suspect that this time we’re done.  She’s a very level headed person, and determined not to let people who are negative or dramatic be a part of her life.  Twice this week I’ve been both negative and overly dramatic.  I expect the ‘Dear John’ email any moment now.   Maybe this time we’ll work it out again.  But it’s only a matter of time before I do something that’s too much to live with.

I won’t be terribly upset if this is over.  It’s not like we were in love, or had any serious commitments.  We just had a great time together.  And I know from recent experience I won’t have a problem meeting someone else.  I might be a little lonely and sad for a while, but it’s not the end of the world.

But this is bad.

Yet again my life is negatively impacted by emotions and thoughts I can’t control.  I’m on the verge of really losing it at work.  It’s becoming completely overwhelming.  And then there’s the relationship.  How many times have my relationships ended because my emotions and behaviors became unbearable.  Every time, that’s how many.  This is just another experience just like all the rest.  In spite of how hard I try, it always ends up the same.

I don’t know if being bipolar is the reason this keeps happening or not.  It could be other issues and personality defects at work as well.  Or it could be a combination of many. But the end result is the same.  I always start off a superstar at my job, but over time become overwhelmed and I either fail or run.  I know too that I set the bar too high for myself and create undue pressure.  I know that I’m quick to sweep a woman off her feet.  I’m a genuinely a nice guy, and I treat others very well.  With my insight I can understand them and connect on a very deep level.  My consideration, patience, and honest interest in their feelings help a relationship form quickly.  But then I do something stupid or I have an extreme mood swing and negate all the good things I’ve done.

Every time.

Regardless of whether it’s the bipolar disorder, damaged ego, insecurities, unresolved baggage, or any number of explanations you can find, one fact remains:

I’m seriously messed up.

I’ve always been able to find work after I’ve managed to screw up the job I have.  Finding a new relationship is only a matter of time.  But what’s going to change?  I’ve spent countless hours in therapy.  I accept the need for medications, and work very hard to find ones that are effective.  Yet, I continue to make the same mistakes over and over.  There just seems to be no end to repeating the same patterns over and over.  My brain knows better, but my emotions rule.  I’m very aware too of my advancing age.  I feel like I’m running out of time to get it right.  The years are flying by; how long can it be before it’s too late?  I want to remain positive, and continue to put the effort into making myself a better person and manage my illness.  But I’ve got to be honest.

I’m terrified.

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4 Responses to Looking foward

  1. I can relate 100,000%

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  2. Amanda Wood says:

    Sweetie. We are all terrified. Even us unipolar people. With work..remember to stop and take a breath or ten. They do not pay you enough for you to take it all on. The rest of your stuff? You seem to be more advanced about understanding yourself than most guys I know. Maybe you need to hang with some guys for a while. Make some friends and skip the romance stuff for a bit? Oh. And try to go easy on yourself

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  3. Wahine says:

    Oh I am so there with you. I completely understand where you are coming from and the emotions you are feeling at this time. I believe both of us suffer from similar issues such as the bi-polar and co-dependency issues. To share my similarities I have had the anger issues with my husband. It has been 5 years of seperation and anger has really fested. This will be the 5th valentines day alone and this type of marriage sucks to say the least. Anyway enough about me. On the positive side of the situation it has helped my co-dependency like nobodys business. Perhaps just staying in the casual dating world might be an option as you continue the focus on you. Make yourself number one and the rest will fall into place. This being said Iam not saying to be selfish but to reward yourself and continue to heal to get to the happy place. Like you my job has been overwhelming. I am working in a former 5 person unit and now am the one man band by myself. My biggest tool has been using the mindfullness exercise. Try going on you tube and there are helpful videos there as well as yoga which all are similar concepts. It has been working for me and perhaps will be helpful. Don’t give up on your lady. Give her some space and if it is meant to be she will be there for you. Keep your chin up and as my Mom always told me, “The sun will always shine again”. Hope you have a real good weekend! 🙂

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  4. I can’t claim to know a tenth of what you know about being bi-polar. When I was first confronted with this disease I tried unlimited resources for answers. They were vague and varied. The best explanation came from my little sister; she said ‘the bi-polar person reacts to everything emotionally”. So you can put any label on your actions you want to but the bottom line is that you are reacting to situations emotionally. I feel for you, I really do, and all the people that suffer from this illness. I can’t imagine what it must be like to scrutinize every decision, every action; past present and future. Thanks for writing.

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