So I haven’t been writing the last couple of days. It’s not for a lack of discipline or not having anything to say. I’ve just been getting my ass kicked at work. There’s just too much to do and not enough time to do it. Fortunately, my boss understands this and doesn’t give me any grief for being so behind. And I’m getting lots of overtime hours… kind of makes up for the lower pay rate I had to take.
The mania seems to be under control again. I have plenty of energy, but not too much. I’ve been able to focus at work. I’m settling into my new relationship, but not excessively. We spend a fair amount of time together, but I spend a fair amount of time at home too. I feel like I’ve reached a point of equilibrium. I’ve been taking my meds religiously now too. That’s got to be a big help.
So a little more on my new relationship. We’re having a great time together. It’s funny, I almost didn’t ask her out on a second date as I thought she was going to be high maintenance and expect to do things I couldn’t afford. It couldn’t be farther from the truth however. She’s more than content to just stay in and watch TV or just hang out. Or we dance. If we’re not watching TV, there’s music on. A good song will come on and we’ll find ourselves dancing across her living room. It’s very romantic for me. We’ll go out dancing at the first opportunity, but in the meantime it’s been really nice.
And we talk. We’re able to talk about anything together, and we do. Many nights we sit at her kitchen table drinking a glass of wine and talking for hours. Now that we’ve gotten to know each other better, it’s become more of a conversation than when it started. I was a little worried at first that it was going to be all about her, and she wouldn’t give me the chance to do anything but listen. But now that’s not the case. It’s really nice. She’s also very affectionate. I’ve learned over the years that it’s important to me to have that physical connection to go along with the emotional one. She fulfills that completely.
But we’re both trying to be really smart about this. My history has been to get too involved too quickly and I find myself spending as much time together as I can. I get too infatuated too quickly. But not this time. We are in contact every day, but I don’t see her but a few nights a week. And we’re not spending the entire weekend together either. I’ve still got plenty of time at home and enjoying my own company. I am determined not to rush into this and let it develop slowly. And she feels the same, and is not putting any pressure on me to over commit. I’m going to do all I can to break my old patterns and create something real and true. Or not. There’s no promise of anything other than today. I’d be sad if I didn’t see her anymore, but by holding back my emotions I wouldn’t be devastated if I didn’t. She’s just really comfortable to be with, and I’m going to enjoy every day we have.
All in all, I’d have to say things are pretty good. It can all change in a moment, but I’m tuned into where I am daily, and employ every tool and skill I have to manage where I am at the time. I have hope that maybe I’ve come through the worst, and can maintain as I move forward. I hope this helps others too. There is the ability to have a reasonable life. My disease is severe. The depressions are bad enough, but the manic episodes are horrible. I completely lose all sense of reality and touch on psychosis. I have been in a constant cycle for the majority of my life with only brief respite from the intense highs and lows. But here I am. I’m able to apply the lessons I’ve learned and stay proactive to keep ahead of the curve. The cycles are still there; they always will be. But (so far) I’ve been able to limit the extremes. And I feel so much better qualified to keep it that way.
So take heart. If I can do it, so can you.