We made it! The 2012 Holiday Season has come and gone. I’ve had my reflections and memories and now am looking forward to what’s ahead. I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. Every day my life brings too many challenges and experiences to try to commit to a year long plan on one day. Life is just too changeable.
If I were to make a resolution, it would be to stay in touch with my own feelings and be aware of my moods and cycles. If I’m going to have any hope of managing my illness I’m going to have to stay on top of it every day; watching for signs, gauging my current moods, and being as proactive as possible.
Speaking of current moods, I’m kind of in a very weird place at the moment. I’m fighting a manic episode. For the most part I have the mental side of this under control. What’s weird about it though it the feelings that come out of the conflicts of emotion. There’s a constant battle between the bad decisions my brain is trying to make, and the conscious effort not to make them. I get a lot of satisfaction in the success of overriding the impulses. But the clash between the two actually creates a physical response. My stomach hurts. There’s a tension deep in my core that I can’t get to relax. I can’t seem to stop my legs from bouncing. There’s a physical side to a mania as it is that is difficult to restrain on its own. When you add the symptoms that come from the emotional struggle it becomes almost impossible. With all the activity and added tension I’m exhausted. Being tired physically impacts my ability to deal with the emotional side too. My strength is sapped and it’s an effort to keep fighting the impulses. I need to be careful not to restart the depression too. Suppressed anger can be a trigger…I suspect that suppressed impulses are likely to do the same.
I’m really looking forward to my next Therapy appointment. With the holidays it’s been three weeks without one, and a LOT has happened during that time. And there are a lot of things that I need to work though and understand. I ‘get’ the manic behaviors. I’m not proud of what I’ve been doing, but at least I know why I have been doing them. And I’ve been able to stop doing them. What I need to focus on is my relationships. I’m enjoying the time I’ve been spending with my new lady friend. But at the same time it feels like there’s something missing. One of the reasons I decided to be with this woman is that she is totally different from anybody else I’ve been with. All my previous choices haven’t been successful to say the least, so this is a conscious decision to break the mold. But it IS different. I need to reshape my thinking, my attractions, and my sense of fulfillment to adjust to a healthier relationship. Don’t get me wrong…I am attracted to her, and the things I want in a relationship are all there. She’s just a different kind of person than I’ve been with before. The really good part of this though, is there’s no sense of infatuation or obsession with being together. Always in the past I’ve ‘fallen’ too quickly. It has gotten intense too quickly and defined my life. It’s not that way this time. I enjoy being with her, but I crave time by myself too. It’s just comfortable. Now I have to get used to being comfortable and not so deeply involved. That’s a change. Hopefully my Therapist will agree, reinforce my thinking and give me encouragement. I’m looking for validation and support.
I love blogging. When I’m disciplined enough to keep up with my writing I feel much better about myself. It’s easier to keep focused on the things I out to be focused on, and helps with the perspectives. It’s a connection to the world. But one of the things I don’t particularly like is all writing about myself. If I were getting paid for this, I think I would want to be paid on every time I used the word I. There are four of them just in the last sentence, LOL. When I’m with others, I’m not really comfortable talking about myself. I’m a little self conscious about all the ‘me’, ‘me’, me’. But I guess that’s what it’s really all about. Staying in tune with myself is the first step to keeping everything under control. It’s better to do that here than bore the people around me with all this self absorption. Hopefully by dumping myself in my writings will help me stay truly interested in others and become a better listener and companion. In the end that’s what is really important; mastering your own destiny and being a better person for others.
It’s 2013. A new beginning, and a good chance to make it a great year. I’m off to a good start! Now I just need to make sure it continues…