Okay, it’s time to slow down a bit and take a good look at what’s going on. Things are getting a little bit crazy… The depression is definitely gone, and then some. I’ve been staying so busy lately I’ve been letting things go that I really shouldn’t. I’ve been late on some bills, my house is a mess, and I’ve completely run out of food.
Not a good sign.
This dating situation has gotten completely out of hand. One way or another I’ve been out every night for the last two weeks. Even nights where I was determined to stay home, I’ve ended up getting a call or a text from someone and off I’d go. I’ve been spending money I don’t have and going places I know I can’t afford. I just can’t say no. I’m seeing several different women on a regular basis, and have even slept with one of them (twice). That is so unlike me. I’m not a player. My comfort zone is to be with one woman, and just enjoy the simple things like staying at home cooking dinner together, sharing a glass of wine and good conversation, or even just watching some TV. (Okay…that sounds like a bad profile on a dating site). But it’s true. Going out every night with a different woman is not only something I’ve never done, but it really isn’t fair to them. It sounds completely arrogant, but I know I’ve been exceptionally charming lately and have swept a couple off their feet. I know how to treat a lady, and can make them feel special and attractive. Not in any manipulative or deceiving way, it’s just how I am. Love the one you’re with.
Not a good sign.
Work has been crazy too. My new job is a lot busier in general, and I’ve been working at almost a frenzied pace. My frustration level is rising too. I still don’t know everything I need to for this job, and it annoys me when I have to ask for help. My focus is off too; I bounce from task to task, or switch over to check email of just find myself staring out the window at nothing. Fortunately, when I am on task I get a lot done quickly, so I’m able to keep up with the workload, but it’s a very inefficient way to get it done. There’s a lot of wasted time.
Not a good sign.
I’m down to taking minimal medications again. I take a mood stabilizer (Lamictal) and an antidepressant (Zoloft). In fact, I find myself questioning whether I need any drugs at all. With as little as I’m on now, how much effect is it really having? My brain is still in control of this thinking though, there’s no way I’m going to stop taking anything. But still…
It’s not a good sign.
Emotionally I’m still feeling pretty stable. I’m staying busy and working hard but my thought process seems to be working as they should. At least that’s how it seems to me. It’s the behaviors that are starting to worry me. I’m completely out of character with the dating. I’m not working in my normal methodical way. I’m spending money that I really shouldn’t be that I know will create a problem later on when it’s time to pay bills. I’m normally fastidious about my house, but there are dirty dishes in the sink that have been there since the weekend and I haven’t done any serious cleaning in a couple of weeks.
I like to think that as aware as I am about my situation and being able to recognize some of the warning signs that I’ll be able to get things under control before I find myself in trouble. I’m absolutely staying on my medication even though my instinct is telling me that I can do without it. Forewarned is forearmed, right? I’m really doing well now all things considered, I just need to make sure I stay on top of it and keep it that way.
Then again, maybe I need help.