Reality Check

Okay, it’s time to slow down a bit and take a good look at what’s going on.  Things are getting a little bit crazy…  The depression is definitely gone, and then some.  I’ve been staying so busy lately I’ve been letting things go that I really shouldn’t.  I’ve been late on some bills, my house is a mess, and I’ve completely run out of food.

Not a good sign.

This dating situation has gotten completely out of hand.  One way or another I’ve been out every night for the last two weeks.  Even nights where I was determined to stay home, I’ve ended up getting a call or a text from someone and off I’d go.  I’ve been spending money I don’t have and going places I know I can’t afford.  I just can’t say no.  I’m seeing several different women on a regular basis, and have even slept with one of them (twice).  That is so unlike me.  I’m not a player.  My comfort zone is to be with one woman, and just enjoy the simple things like staying at home cooking dinner together, sharing a glass of wine and good conversation, or even just watching some TV.  (Okay…that sounds like a bad profile on a dating site).  But it’s true.  Going out every night with a different woman is not only something I’ve never done, but it really isn’t fair to them.  It sounds completely arrogant, but I know I’ve been exceptionally charming lately and have swept a couple off their feet.  I know how to treat a lady, and can make them feel special and attractive.  Not in any manipulative or deceiving way, it’s just how I am.  Love the one you’re with.

Not a good sign.

Work has been crazy too.  My new job is a lot busier in general, and I’ve been working at almost a frenzied pace.  My frustration level is rising too.   I still don’t know everything I need to for this job, and it annoys me when I have to ask for help.  My focus is off too; I bounce from task to task, or switch over to check email of just find myself staring out the window at nothing.  Fortunately, when I am on task I get a lot done quickly, so I’m able to keep up with the workload, but it’s a very inefficient way to get it done.  There’s a lot of wasted time.

Not a good sign.

I’m down to taking minimal medications again.  I take a mood stabilizer (Lamictal) and an antidepressant (Zoloft).  In fact, I find myself questioning whether I need any drugs at all.  With as little as I’m on now, how much effect is it really having?  My brain is still in control of this thinking though, there’s no way I’m going to stop taking anything.  But still…

It’s not a good sign.

Emotionally I’m still feeling pretty stable.  I’m staying busy and working hard but my thought process seems to be working as they should.  At least that’s how it seems to me.  It’s the behaviors that are starting to worry me.  I’m completely out of character with the dating.  I’m not working in my normal methodical way.  I’m spending money that I really shouldn’t be that I know will create a problem later on when it’s time to pay bills.  I’m normally fastidious about my house, but there are dirty dishes in the sink that have been there since the weekend and I haven’t done any serious cleaning in a couple of weeks.

I like to think that as aware as I am about my situation and being able to recognize some of the warning signs that I’ll be able to get things under control before I find myself in trouble.  I’m absolutely staying on my medication even though my instinct is telling me that I can do without it.  Forewarned is forearmed, right?   I’m really doing well now all things considered, I just need to make sure I stay on top of it and keep it that way.

Then again, maybe I need help.

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9 Responses to Reality Check

  1. sparksmcgee says:

    When you are thinking about whether small amounts of meds matter – I’ve got a totally wacky thyroid that runs havoc over my life, and I’m on…say…15 mg of medicine per day. That’s like, 1/8 of a single extra strength aspirin. Does wonders, though! 🙂

    Also, I’ve found that honest self-accounting is totally critical in brain-balance things. You are tying a reality-tether for yourself and it makes all the difference! (Even though sometimes extra help is required) ❤

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  2. Very scary my friend. I hope you are telling your doctor all of this. It’s amazing how we can recognize the signs and still ignore them even knowing the consequences.

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  3. A flexible routine might help with the household jobs 🙂 Sue

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  4. Ieonaa says:

    I really don’t know what to say. I’m just as messy and I do feel things going out of control sometimes. Still, the only one that can help you is you and a hour of rest, in your happy thoughts away from everything after a long debate (which seems you’ve already gone though) with yourself.
    Thinks will fall into place and slip again. A never-ending circle of headaches but it’s good to ease up on them for a while. 🙂

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  5. Nicole says:

    Good on you for being so recognizing all these signs and being intune with your behavior and moods. I’m still working on learning to do this.

    Reading your post reminds me of my behaviors when I’m in a manic state. Not saying the same thing works for everyone, but I find talking to my doctor at this point to be helpful. My therapist has always been crucial at this point. Helped me avoid some bad decisions that I seem to think are such a good idea when I’m manic!

    Being forewarned is great–sounds like you definitely in a good state to be prepared.

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  6. jmlindy422 says:

    Eeek! I think you’re right to take a hard look at the warning signs. Keep taking those meds!!!!

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  7. Cassandra says:

    You never said the word, but this behavior all points to mania. Charming the ladies, spending loads of money, thinking you don’t need your medications… You’re right, these aren’t good signs! Since you’re out of food, this is past the time to get help.

    You’re in a speedboat and you’re not strapped in. Please take care of yourself to prevent crashing and/or minimize the damage if you do.

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  8. kalicet says:

    I’m with Cassandra… Take care of you x

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  9. kelihasablog says:

    First I’ll say, I haven’t read any of the other comments so this might be a repeat. You’re right NOT to go off your meds. that is one of the biggest and most critical mistakes a bipolar person does. … and they do it for that same reason. They feel so good they think they don’t need it. It sorta sounds like you might be in “hyper-drive” so to speak, so you might want to try getting yourself a small calendar or maybe you can do it on your phone… store a set schedule for EVERYTHING. You’re right, it’s so easy to spend money we don’t really have if we are depressed, or extremely happy… but you are going to have to try to get that under control. Maybe write out a budget with a limit for food, gas, dating, etc…. As a mother (haha) I would suggest you re-think the several girls at a time situation. If they happened to find out about each other, boy would you be in trouble and your reputation would be damaged. (I was dating a guy once and found out he was dating 4 others at the same time… we all found out about each other & his house of cards came tumbling down) but that’s just a suggestion… at least try to narrow it down to 2. Hopefully the sex is protected cuz no one wants to get “an issue” from someone else, if you know what I mean. I’m not sure about work, but your doctor probably does need to adjust your meds or perhaps talk about ways to focus better. Lots of sleep, lots of water, exercise each day… etc. He might be able to suggest some vitamin that would help or he may add a medication. I would tell him though, cuz it sounds like he might need to seriously adjust the meds a bit. Glad you’re happier, but yeah, it sounds like you’re close to being out of control and that’s what you were trying to prevent in the first place. 😀 Take care of yourself and make yourself reminder cards for things or use a calendar. That might help a little. 😀

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