I’m back. I’ve had a bad case of writers block lately. What do you say when things are going well? Well, better anyway. The medicine change seems to be helping, work is settling down, I’m building my social life and just doing okay in general. Not to say things are perfect, but certainly an improvement from a month ago.
I’ve been on a journey of rediscovery. Depression knocks you so far down and destroys your self confidence and feeling of worth. It robs you of your sense of self and leaves you questioning your own skills, abilities, and value. My latest challenge has been to overcome being beaten down and the belief that I’m no good to anybody else. I’ve felt totally inadequate at my job. I can’t understand why my friends put up with me. And I really struggle with feeling unattractive and that I’m ever going to be with anyone that could turn into a more serious relationship. Now is the time to look at myself and remember that I do have value and a lot to bring to the table.
I’m sure it’s noticeable that relationships have been a real focus for me lately. My divorce is final. I’ve moved past the overwhelming loneliness and into a healthier place where I’m more capable of dealing with being alone. Being happier with myself I’m better able to be happy with others. I’m ready to share, not need. But I have to be careful. I never have liked dating around and have always been more comfortable just being with one woman. I still don’t want to play the field, but I also don’t need to settle just so I can be in an exclusive relationship. As long as I don’t mislead anyone that we’re exclusive it will be a good to keep my options open. Enjoy each date for what it is; having a good time with someone nice and taking time to really get to know them.
I also need to update my perception of myself. Because of my illness, I feel damaged and insecure. It must be obvious to others that I have such a low opinion of myself. I become shy, and even my body language changes. I draw into myself and feel very small. When I’m strong I feel like I present myself really well to others. I know I can appear confident and secure, but I have to feel it first.
Step by step, day by day. I know it’s going to take a while to bring myself back from the depths I’ve been in for the last few months, and I need to be patient. I am learning to be comfortable with who I am again and moving ahead in confidence and security. The more I recover, the easier it will be, and before you know it I’ll be back to my old self again.
Maybe then I can get over my writing dry spell and get back into that groove too.