Hey buddy…where’ve you been?

I’m back.  I’ve had a bad case of writers block lately.  What do you say when things are going well?  Well, better anyway.  The medicine change seems to be helping, work is settling down, I’m building my social life and just doing okay in general.  Not to say things are perfect, but certainly an improvement from a month ago.

I’ve been on a journey of rediscovery.  Depression knocks you so far down and destroys your self confidence and feeling of worth.  It robs you of your sense of self and leaves you questioning your own skills, abilities, and value.  My latest challenge has been to overcome being beaten down and the belief that I’m no good to anybody else.  I’ve felt totally inadequate at my job.  I can’t understand why my friends put up with me.  And I really struggle with feeling unattractive and that I’m ever going to be with anyone that could turn into a more serious relationship.  Now is the time to look at myself and remember that I do have value and a lot to bring to the table.

I’m sure it’s noticeable that relationships have been a real focus for me lately.  My divorce is final.  I’ve moved past the overwhelming loneliness and into a healthier place where I’m more capable of dealing with being alone.  Being happier with myself I’m better able to be happy with others.  I’m ready to share, not need.  But I have to be careful.  I never have liked dating around and have always been more comfortable just being with one woman.  I still don’t want to play the field, but I also don’t need to settle just so I can be in an exclusive relationship.  As long as I don’t mislead anyone that we’re exclusive it will be a good to keep my options open.  Enjoy each date for what it is; having a good time with someone nice and taking time to really get to know them.

I also need to update my perception of myself.  Because of my illness, I feel damaged and insecure.  It must be obvious to others that I have such a low opinion of myself.  I become shy, and even my body language changes.  I draw into myself and feel very small.  When I’m strong I feel like I present myself really well to others.  I know I can appear confident and secure, but I have to feel it first.

Step by step, day by day.  I know it’s going to take a while to bring myself back from the depths I’ve been in for the last few months, and I need to be patient.  I am learning to be comfortable with who I am again and moving ahead in confidence and security.  The more I recover, the easier it will be, and before you know it I’ll be back to my old self again.

Maybe then I can get over my writing dry spell and get back into that groove too.

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8 Responses to Hey buddy…where’ve you been?

  1. bluemerlegirl says:

    Welcome back! You have been missed but I am glad to hear how things have been going for you.

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  2. snarmadhaa says:

    ‘Hey buddy…where’ve you been?’ Really, it’s good to read your writing again, also happy that you’re feeling better. Keep them coming. Cheers 😉

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  3. I really like the line “I’m ready to share, not need.” It is being added to my collection of quotes.
    Have a great day! ~Mary

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  4. Good to hear from you. I was just wondering how you were doing this morning!

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  5. I am so glad that you are feeling so much better

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  6. Donna Eden says:

    Hi, My name is Donna and I am new to this. I’m not even sure how you all came to me, but I am grateful for your comments. I am bi-polar also and have lived in the rough world of this illness.I am working on staying on the medication my doc has given me. For years I have been very reluctant to staying on any kind of meds I’ve been given. I’m older now and know the consequences of not taking what I am prescribed, finally!!!For many yrs. I have been praying to God to heal me of this, but I’ve realized that his answer to me has been “wait, it’ll happen in my time”, so I’m also trusting in His Word too. That’s another thing I struggle with, “waiting”. I’ve had very little patience with anything. I want it when I want it!!! It just hasn’t happened that way–Can anyone relate to that? I hope someone answers me real soon, you know now how I hate waiting. That’s my funny thing for today. I love to mmmake people laugh!!! Hope you”ll have a great day. Wildchild–That is one of my nicknames…

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  7. kelihasablog says:

    I felt the same way after my divorce and so did a lot of other people I know. I’m so glad that you’re feeling better and can seed that you are moving along. It just takes time, but you can do it! Just stay on your meds and you should really begin to come out of yourself… personality wise.

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  8. Nicole says:

    Love that you’re back and feeling better

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