As my mood improves I’m thinking more about where I’m going then where I’ve been. I’ve been transitioning in my job, my marital status is about to change , I’m forming new relationships and I’ve been making adjustments to my medications. I’m trying to take all of these things as positives and set the course for moving ahead.
I’ve complained a lot about my job change. The position I’ve held for the last six months has gone away, and I’ve been moved into another department. I’m thankful I have a job, but it came with a 50% cut in pay, and I’ve been worried sick that I won’t be able to live on the lower salary. Now that I’m in the job however I’m getting a different perspective. First of all, in spite of the pay this position is a lot more complex and difficult than where I was. My last position was actually fairly easy, and gave me a lot of down time that only made my depression worse. The new position however is fast paced and has a much heavier work load. If I want to have any chance of succeeding I’m going to have to stay focused and keep busy. Even though I felt like I was being slighted, it turns out that it really is a vote of confidence on my abilities. And although it won’t happen right away, there’s going to be the chance for some overtime which will help significantly with my financial situation. I’ll have to tighten up my belt for a while, but as long as I can make it through the transition I should be okay. For the first time in a very long while I’m actually looking forward to coming to work and rising to the new challenges.
My divorce will be final a week from today. It’s definitely a time to change focus and start looking ahead. It’s been a long, horrible year since the separation. The first six months after we split was agonizing, and it’s taken a long time to move past the shock and work through the grief of the failure. But that’s all behind me now and I’m ready to look ahead to the next phase of my life. I won’t be getting married again, but I’ve made it through the change and have come through it stronger and feel my confidence growing. I didn’t think I could for a very long time, but I’ve survived and am ready to move on.
So I’ve talked quite a bit lately about relationships. Back before my depression I was dating a lady for a couple of months. We had an absolutely awesome time, and I really enjoyed the closeness and comfort of a regular relationship. Then the depression hit, followed by the overdose and hospitalization. That was too much for her to take and she ended it. But while it lasted I remembered just how nice a steady relationship was, and I have craved being back into one ever since. Not having that has contributed a lot to the loneliness I’ve been feeling. The fresh memory of being with someone who cares just made the absence of that kind of connection that much harder to bear. But I’m starting to meet some new people and I’m out in the dating world once again. Now that I have more energy I have been able to put myself into situations where I have the chance to meet someone. I was not easy to be around when I was so down on myself, but now it seems like people are enjoying my company again. I am not trying to meet someone specifically for the purpose of having a steady relationship. I am happy just being around people again, and enjoying going out on casual dates. But eventually I would like to meet someone that I can have a deeper connection with and develop something more serious. No, I’m not in a hurry, but if you don’t put yourself out there, there’s no chance that any kind of relationship can happen. I’m back in the game.
The change in medication seems to be having a very positive effect on how I’m feeling. It turns out that one of the mood stabilizers I was on was a lot more sedating than I realized. Now that I’ve cut that dosage in half I’m not groggy all the time and I’m a lot clearer with my thinking. I’m also on a new antidepressant, and that is making a difference too. It’s happened quickly and may be wishful thinking, but I’m starting to realize that I’m feeling pretty good now. I know, it really wasn’t that long ago that I was having suicidal thoughts and in a really dark place, but it’s pretty amazing the difference being on effective medications can have. I’m not naive enough to think that I can expect to completely stabilize and not worry about any more mood swings. For all I know I could be feeling better because I’m headed back into a manic phase. That’s been the history over the years. As I swing up out of a deep depression it doesn’t stop going up until I’m manic again. But now I’ve become more aware of my patterns and can maybe stop the upswing before it gets out of control. I have a great Therapist, and I’m working with a new Doctor that is a lot more aggressive in her treatment approach. But at the very least, I’m coming out of my depression and for a little while I’ll definitely be in a comfortable place between the depression and the mania.
For the first time in a long while I’m really feeling positive about where I’m headed. This feeling may go on indefinitely, or could change again tomorrow. That’s the nature of this illness. But it’s my hope that since I’ve acknowledged my condition and know what signs I should look for I can work towards a more reasonable situation. I’m working hard with my support circle to do all the things I should to help control my illness as best I can. Perhaps I’m only kidding myself and tomorrow, or next week or next month I’ll be back into an intolerable position again. Realistically, that’s the way it’s always been. But for now, I’m going to enjoy the feeling that it’s all going to be okay and let tomorrow bring what it will.
For the first time in a long time, I like where I’m going. I’m going to put the past behind me and move into a better place. It’s time to be comfortable with where I am and sit back and enjoy the ride.
I’m ready to move forward