The blank page. It sits there mocking me as I try to sort out all the thoughts swirling around in my head. Usually the act of writing organizes the thinking process and allows me to put down coherent words for others to read. Today however, the words don’t want to come.
I was going to write about walls. They hold up ceilings. They keep things in. They keep things out. They define a room. They define who we are. Everybody has emotional walls that can do the same things as physical ones. We hide behind them and we try to contain feelings that we don’t want to share. We use them to keep others out of our intimate places. Walls are built by fear. We are afraid that we’ll let out something too personal or make ourselves vulnerable. We keep others out to protect ourselves from being hurt. I actually wish I had more walls. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and it gets stomped on time after time. I can’t seem to keep strong feelings to myself and end up either scaring or alienating myself by the intensity of the emotion.
It seemed like a good thing to explore, but I just can’t flesh it out.
Another thought going around in my head is fear. What if I can’t perform in my new position at work? With my pay so drastically reduced I’m worried that I won’t be able to afford even the basics. My car is almost 13 years old and is starting to make some funny noises… if it breaks down I’m really in trouble. I forgot to turn off my coffee pot when I left for work, and it scares me that it’ll short out or something and cause a fire. (It’s a percolator and doesn’t have an automatic shut off)
But there are good things going on too. I’ve met some new people and have been able to go out some and not feel stuck at home. And I’m feeling a lot more comfortable with myself when I am home alone. I’ve been eating better and have even put a couple of pounds back on. . Every day I am feeling a little less depressed.
But still I’m still unfocused and rambling.
Relationships are on my mind too. Now that I’m meeting some new people I’m starting to think about possibilities of developing something a little more serious. No, I’m not looking for anything too intimate, but it would be nice to have a regular dating partner. That does bring up more questions, but I’ve decided that I’m going to go slow with the amount of information I offer in a new relationship. There’s no reason to get into anything that personal, especially since I’m not planning any lifelong commitments. All in good time.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
I guess the biggest thing I keep coming back to is hope. I am feeling better and a lot more positive about where I am right now. Maybe that’s why I’m thinking so much and finding it hard to focus on one single topic. As the medications start to work my mind frees up from the grip of the depression and I start to think about more things. This new medication I’m on is supposed to help with OCD thinking and anxiety, so I’m hoping that as it becomes even more effective I can settle in and get my thinking clearer. It does feel good to not be stuck in the dark thoughts and overwhelming loneliness. I’m actually starting to think that maybe my illness can be managed after all.
I think it’s going to be all right.
Maybe I’m not as unfocused as I think I am. I have managed to hold on to a few ideas and put down my thoughts after all. I’ve already written about a lot of things I’m thinking about; maybe there’s nothing more to add even though they may not be completely resolved for me yet. I may be bouncing from topic to topic, but as usual the writing has helped settle my thought process some. Maybe there’s just too much to say to narrow it down to a single subject.
Perhaps tomorrow the ideas will sort themselves out a little more. I’m rarely without something to write about so it’s just a matter of settling in on one idea. Now that I am a lot more positive I feel like I need to write about some of the happier things. There’s been too much darkness and despair lately. Keeping my writing upbeat helps me remember that it’s not so bad after all, and there is life outside of depression.
In the meantime, my page is no longer blank.