I have made my decision part II

I was feeling pretty good this morning.  I met with my Dr. about making some changes to my medications and he took me completely off the risperdal.  For the first time in months I woke up clear headed and ready for work.  Also there was such an overwhelming response to my blog yesterday, and all the ‘likes’ and uplifting comments went a long way with validation and support.  I knew this was going to be a good day.

I was wrong.

By the time I got to work I could feel the grips of the depression taking hold.  The closer I got the less energy I had, and by the time I got to my desk I was back to staring at my computer screen and completely unmotivated.  I started going back through all the comments from yesterday and my mood started to lift again.  Then we had our weekly department meeting.  In the meeting I found out that they were bringing in someone new to take my position.  So apparently I wasn’t being let go for a lack of work as I was told, I am being replaced.  I had felt like the fact that they were keeping me on at all was a vote of confidence; apparently not.  It has completely knocked the wind out of my sails.  I don’t mean to whine about what could be considered petty and small, but what it really means to me is; being bipolar has cost me yet another job.  I know I haven’t been working very hard being so depressed, but I really didn’t think anyone knew.  For them to replace me however means that I’ve been found lacking.  I’ve lost every job I’ve ever had for one reason or another relating to bipolar.  Either I was let go for outrageous behavior or for a depressed lack of production, or I’ve quit in a grandiose belief that I was under appreciated and underutilized.  They just didn’t accept the brilliance I have.  Or so I think in a manic high.  This job change falls right into the same old pattern.

Last night was the first time I met with a new Dr.  During the intake process we went through my history, symptoms and treatment plan.  Spelling it all out like that made me realize just how bad this disease really is.  Apparently she thought so too, because she asked me several times if I wouldn’t be better off on Disability and not trying to work.  Here was another vote of confidence.

The self doubt is back.

Maybe I am too ill to function in a normal environment.  Every time I manage to get into a healthy and productive situation I eventually screw it up royally and lose it due to being bipolar.  I can’t seem to keep it together more than a year before something bad eventually happens.  This disease has complete control of my life.

But wait a minute.

There are skills that I have that have value.  Maybe I don’t last as long as I’d like, but I do have the capability to being successful at least for a while.  I am continuing to hone my treatment plan and hold on to the hope that eventually I’ll be able to manage my symptoms.  If this illness truly did rule my life I wouldn’t be able to get anything done, much less what I’ve been able to accomplish.

I refuse to let this setback take away the progress I have started to make.  As with anything, I have choices.  Even if I have to take this position for a while, I can continue to look for more appropriate employment.  I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and if it’s supposed to happen, it will.  As long as I put the effort in, I’ll find that next job.  In the meantime I’ll have something new to focus on as I learn my new duties that will help fill my days.  In the last couple of days I’ve found that there are an awful lot of people in the same boat, or worse, than I am.  I am not alone, and as a community we can offer love and support to one another.  I have to believe that my words are being read by people in a much darker place than I am, and maybe if I can push through I can offer some hope to others.

I said it before; I have decided to live.  Now I have to start living.

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26 Responses to I have made my decision part II

  1. Amanda Wood says:

    Just keep on going…keep reaching out and up…


  2. phoxis says:

    I am very happy to know that you have determined to move forward. Just see to the end, you never know what’s going to happen tomorrow without being in the “tomorrow”, and to make things happen we need to give a lot of effort, and in your case may be you need to give twice the effort, but it will never go in vain.


  3. Yes your message certainly goes to the people at darker places. No matter how much water is there, we must always swim and it’s always tougher to swim upstream. You seem to be doing that pretty well. What happens, happens for a reason….lot happened with me as well. Keep writing.


  4. Stay the course. You can be better. I will be back to visit your blog and maybe see oi I can offer some tips that will help you. Find a support group if you are not already in one. Most towns of 100,000 have a support group for bipolar disorder and the various depressive disorders. Call a psychiatric hospital to ask if there is a group in your town,. Just talking about your life, etc. might help you a lot or a little. It is worth a try.


  5. I have heard that the key to success is doing something that you truly love. Sometimes our “weaknesses” can end up being our best assets and we have to highlight them. I think this is especially true for those who are bipolar or with bipolar tendencies. It’s about pressing on and strengthening our strengths and leveraging our weaknesses.


  6. moonshine says:

    Your words mean a lot to lots of people, myself included. Life is a constant journey through up and down hills, that’s reality…but it’s worth living anyway! I want u to stay healthy and as happy as possible. Yes, find some support group, may help u when things get tough. Jeep us posted..


  7. congrats on making the decision to live. I’ve dealt with depression before and I can really relate to this post and the previous (congrats on the FP, btw). I think it’s a great idea to get a second part time job… keep yourself busy. And try getting out of yourself by helping another person. If you take the focus off yourself and see what you can do to help someone who is elderly or handicapped or (fill in the blank), it can also help you to see how lucky you really are.


  8. lilyboat says:

    I totally understand. I manage by working 20 hours a week(I am currently living with my sister), and taking long nature walks, and lots of time spent in prayers and going to church often. Faith helps me, staying in the state of grace of God is the ultimate help. I have been battling for a long time, but I am doing really good now and for the first time, my depression did not recur this year. So there is hope. Just keep on pushing and fighting.. There can only be one choice and it is life. Always choose life. This disease is very, very debilitating, and very misunderstood, still very under-cover and easy to go undiagnosed. It has cost me many things- my jobs, my marriage, etc.. but you know, it’s a disease worth fighting for, because if you beat it, you can beat anything. ANYTHING! I am praying for you!


  9. Yesterday’s post deeply touched me. Tears welled up as I read about your struggles. My sister has bipolar disorder and I am her primary support. Things are complicated between us and I often get frustrated. I don’t understand what it’s like for her – your posts are helping me. Thank you for being authentic, transparent, and candid. I’ll be following.

    Also, I work for a pharmaceutical company. If you are in the States, most drug companies have patient assistance programs for brand (not generic) medication. If you are uninsured and your income is at a certain threshold, you may qualify for free or extremely discounted meds. Go to the website for the drugs you use (usually [drug name].com) and look for information about patient assistance. Sometimes the link is in small print at the very bottom of the web site. Or go to the manufacturer’s website and look for a patient call center number. You can call and ask about patient assistance.

    You are not your disease. Never forget it.


  10. Xenogirl says:

    I admire your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable here in the blogosphere. Please keep writing!


  11. nakedwires says:

    Don’t stop writing~ So glad you are able to share these personal thoughts. I can relate.


  12. aka gringita says:

    In my experience, the closer we are to breaking through to the light, the harder the darkness tries to pull us back, dishearten us, or throw blinders over our eyes to make us want to give up. So proud of you for NOT giving in, for choosing (again and again, day by day, moment by moment) to keep fighting, keep hoping, keep moving forward (even if the path ahead isn’t fully clear to you right now). Praying for you, in all the concerns you raise, and in all your needs.


  13. corffhardd says:

    Once again, thanks for the honesty. Keep taking baby steps and treat yourself well. Thinking of you 🙂


  14. onlyvic says:

    Hold on to life. No matter how young or old we are, there will always be new things to learn and value. Keep up the spirit! Good vibes for you and me! ♥


  15. susiemorrow says:

    Its very hard to live. I suffered terrible depression throughout my thirties, suicide was never far from my thoughts. I’m now in my forties and depression comes and goes rather than consumes me. Recently I was diagnosed with a disease that can be life threatening and it forced me to look into that abyss and I realised, like you have, that I actually do want to live and its actually the little things, like birds flying across a blue sky, that make me feel happy now.


  16. Julie says:

    Thank you for your posts. I, too, can relate. If a person has never experienced depression they cannot begin to understand how debilitating it is. Well-intentioned encouragement can sometimes make you feel even more isolated as others seem to think depression is a choice or state of mind you can talk yourself out of. The book, THE NOONDAY DEMON, really does a good job of describing this experience, like your posts do.

    One thing I have learned, as you have pointed out, the depression will end if you can only wait it out and/or find the right med combo. Finding ways to distract yourself from the endless despair even a minute at a time helps. My dogs help me. They must be walked. They must be fed. They must be cared for. And they forgive me and offer comfort when I am sure I am lacking. My sig. other understands if I need to just sit and weep for seemingly no reason. He doesn’t try to fix me.

    Keep writing! You are helping educate others and speaking to those who are feeling totally isolated. You write well. Surely you can see this in the responses you get! Tomorrow begins NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month. Maybe that would be a way to occupy yourself while you continue your “work.” Here is a link to tell you more about it: http://www.nanowrimo.org/ There are even events where people get together to write in the company of others, to support one another in the solitary experience of writing. You don’t have to write a novel, it could be non-fiction, just has to be 30,000 words at the end of a month! Hey, maybe yours would be the best-seller everyone hopes for!

    As a Buddhist might pray, May all sentient beings be free from suffering, may all beings be free from the causes of suffering, may all who read this be free from suffering, may You be free from suffering.


  17. Julie says:

    Another thought and link: http://www.kickstarter.com This site is a forum for people to present proposal for creative works (including) books that John Q. Public can offer to fund, as they say, “Fund & Follow Creativity Kickstarter is a funding platform for creative projects.”

    You tell folks how much money you think you need to bring your project to the world and people pledge funds, even a dollar at a time, to help you make it happen.

    Just a thought. Make that stinking depression work for you for a change!


  18. Robert! says:

    When I read that last sentence, I threw my arms in the air and screamed “YES!”.

    You can do it.


  19. Have you thought about applying for Social Security Disability? It would be easier for you since you’re over 50. If you ever want to ask about it, please feel free to email me at sandysandmeyer at gmail dot com. I would be happy to answer any questions for you. It might open some treatment doors for you. I work for a county government and help our clients get on SSI andu/or Disability. God bless you! I’m pulling for you to win!!!


  20. biipolargirl says:

    Happy Halloween. Enjoy this holiday! Live. That is my choice for today. To live. And what I mean is not just about the choice not to kill myself. It is my choice. To be around people and take in my surroundings. I am hearing discussions, music, birds singing, seeing halloween costumes, and enjoying myself. Really live!


  21. Delft says:

    I’ve had a brush with depression. I know it’s not comparable to BPD, but I remember the fog, the inability to engage, to really connect with anything.
    I hope that you find a way of pulling through.


  22. I hope that you are blessed with many experiences in the near future that help you realize that you made the right decision. Know that your words are an inspiration to people in the online community.


  23. silvialb44 says:

    Your blog just popped out of nowhere and it caught my attention. I am no one, and I certainly know very little about living with bipolar disease. However, in my 3 years of studying psychology, I have always read that bipolar could actually be related to very high intelligence. Many famous people were bipolar. I think that we always are the happiest when we are engaged in what we love the most – what is your passion trigger? Certainly writing seems one of them, and to me you do have the “GIFT” of writing!
    I will certainly follow your blog….


  24. stormindigo says:

    i agree with aka gringita. So often the breakthrough we need is right around the corner. Just keep moving. Hugs and prayers.


  25. I wrote a bunch of things here and then I deleted them all. I hope you find what you need to ease your journey


  26. You are an inspiration. And I agree…all things happen for a reason. Keep believing. There’s hope! My prayers are with you.


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