A long afternoon

It’s been a long afternoon at work.  I’ve got to do something…  I really don’t feel like working, but if I sit here much longer without doing anything at all I’m going to either go crazy or go to sleep…probably go to sleep.  I’ve been dozing the last hour, either staring out the window or obsessively clicking on my email or the stats to see how many people have read my blog.   I wish I felt like doing more work.  I’ve got plenty to do, but no motivation to do it.  Plus, focus is a real problem.  My mind is a total blank.  I’m even struggling to keep this monologue going.  However, hearing my keyboard click will help sound like I’m doing actual work.  I can hear the others around me, and those who aren’t on the phone are typing away.  We’re in cubes so you can hear everything that goes on around you.

*Whew*.  One of our team leads just came over to the cube next to me.  He’s actually still there, but I’ve got an eye out to make sure he doesn’t walk around to where he can see what I’m (Not) doing.  Damn, this is hard.  I’m so fucking depressed and there just doesn’t seem to be anything to do about it.  I’ve changed my meds multiple times, and nothing seems to be working.  My latest change did help with the anxiety and panic attacks.  Well, sort of.  The panic attacks have definitely stopped.  The anxiety has been much better until today; now it’s come back with a vengeance. As tired as I am, I’m about to climb out of my skin.  But the meds don’t seem to be touching the depression.  I’m exhausted all the time.  All I want to do is sleep.  I can’t focus.  I don’t give a rats’ ass about anything.  I know I’m putting my job at risk by slacking off, but I can’t care about it.  I don’t care about it. But I have to care about it or it’ll be gone. It’s a quandary.

Well, I’ve eaten up 15 minutes.  It seems like a lot longer, but I’m always watching the clock and can see it’s only been a short time.  Only two hours and forty-five minutes left to go.  Of course, the last twenty minutes or so I’m getting ready to leave;  rinsing out my coffee cup, throwing away my soda can, and I usually sneak down for one more smoke before I leave for home.  I’m worried that my smoking is going to get me in trouble too.  I’ve gotten to the point I take a break every one and a half hours.  And I’ll smoke two cigarettes every time I go out.  For some reason I smoke faster than anybody of the other smokers and can finish my two before they finish the one.  I’m not aware of smoking fast, but apparently I am.

I just stopped and checked my email and stats again.  No new emails, no change in statistics.  No, wait!  My views just went up by one!  Now I can wait for my all time views statistics to catch up with today’s views.  Apparently it updates about once every twenty minutes.  I’m trying to figure out exactly when it updates now.  That’s another reason to check it as often as I do.  On the one hand, I don’t get that many views on a daily basis.  I know there are a lot of blogs that get 1,000’s of hits per day.  On the other hand, I’m just a simple guy writing about simple things, and any views at all are good.  It’s stupid, I know…and somewhat self centered… but it’s one of the few connections I have with the outside world, and it does keep me busy.  Of course, the biggest thing is the therapeutic value of all the writing.  Except when I do the stream of consciousness like I am now, it forces me to take an honest look at myself and organize my thinking.  At least that’s the plan.

Okay, I’m getting tired of this now.  To those around me I’ve been working hard… ”Boy, he must really be very busy the way we can hear him typing away.”  HA.  Little do they know.  Maybe I will publish this as a post, but either way I’m eating up the time and sounding like I’m working away.  Clickety Clack Clickety Clack.  And I pause from time to time so it sounds like I’m moving on to something else.  Wait…wait…wait.   Now!  I wonder if all the typing I hear around me is people pretending to work like I am. I doubt it.  It sounds conceited, but it takes most people a full day to do what I can do in a couple of hours.  That’s how I manage to keep ahead of the curve.  I’ll get a burst of energy and knock out a couple of days of work in the time that others do just steadily plugging away.

It’s time for me to check my email and stats again.  Nope, there’s been no change.  But I’m down to two and a half hours now. I think in thirty minutes it’ll be time for my next smoke break.  Maybe it’s time to stop typing now and go back to a light doze.  I can’t let myself actually fall asleep though.  Not only will it look really bad if I’m caught, but I’m likely to snore, which will REALLY be bad.  But I’m so tired… must… not… go …to …sleep.  Maybe I’ll just close my eyes for thirty seconds or so.

After I’ve checked my stats.

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6 Responses to A long afternoon

  1. I know how you feel. I’m a simple woman, writing about bipolar disorder. I’m not exactly unique in that bunch. But, you are unique, because you are you. And there is no other “you” that is writing about the same things you are.

    Don’t worry about your stats. I used to get all bent out of shape about it, especially if I didn’t stack up to a previous day. No worries. And as time passes, your blog will get more hits. It’s just about finding a place in the network. Oh, and shameless, shameless promotion. I used to do it a lot, but I can’t seem to find the time or energy to to do it now.

    Like

    • Honestly, I’m really not concerned about the stats… It’s just something to do, and feeds into my OCD. I write for myself and I’d continue writing even if no one ever read it. If it helps or entertains someone along the way, that’s just gravy.

      Thanks for your encouraging words…

      Like

      • I’m glad you want to keep writing! Because I want to keep reading, I promise you that. Even if I’m not commenting, I’m reading, I promise. Sometimes, my mind just goes blank anymore, and I can’t figure out what to say. I told a friend about it. I used to be the most empathetic person, because I had enough emotion for me and probably the rest of the world. Now, I can’t seem to find the right words, and almost nothing evokes a strong emotion in me.

        But this does. This means a lot to you, and probably so many other people that happen onto your blog. And I’m glad that you can find a practical application to be time consumption at work. I know how important that is. Work can drone on and on sometimes. I used to spend a ton of time on WordPress on my phone. I think it’s healthier than shopping or Facebook, like a lot of people do.

        Like

  2. howanxious says:

    I hope you do feel better. I can understand how mundane everyday routine can be. Do something for a change… instead of taking small naps in between, you can read a book to lighten your mood and write just like you did. My best wishes for you! Take Care!
    Love,
    HA

    Like

  3. corffhardd says:

    I had decided to stop trying new meds as I was just too nervous about the side effects. I then went through a long period of just feeling down and depressed and I just figured this was how most “normal” people felt becasue we as bipolar individuals have had the euphoric ride of mania..nothing quite compares to that. But just this past July I decided to try one last pill at the urging of my psyciatrist and believe it or not, I havent looked back. I’m finally feeling good.
    Although I dont know how exactly you are feeling, I can definetly sympathize. Be gentle with yourself and seek all the help available…but keep blogging it all because not only does it help you, but it helps others like me reading it and knowing we’re not alone. Take care 🙂

    Like

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