I’m ready for some ‘normalcy’.
There has been so much going on lately. Some of it has been good, but most of it hasn’t. I’ve had issues with work, with living arrangements, insurance, and a myriad of other problems. And some things I didn’t even know about created bigger problems that couldn’t be ignored.
Work has been brutal for the last few weeks. Not that it’s been really busy; quite the contrary. There’s been absolutely nothing to do. I work as a contractor, so when the work dries up so does my chances for continued employment. So I spend day after day, sitting at my desk trying to look busy. That’s bad enough, but having all that free time on my hands just gives me the option to dwell on other problems. I’m worried about losing my job, and all the other problems just get bigger and bigger the more time I spend thinking about them.
I needed to find a new place to live. I had moved into an apartment after my wife and I separated. The separation wasn’t my idea (I never even saw it coming) and I was unemployed at the time, which was a really bad combination. I spent 24 hours a day, 7 days a week alone in the little apartment. My friends were with their jobs and families and I’m sure I was no fun to be around. I had no money to find somewhere to go, and I was just stuck. I somehow managed to make it through almost 8 months, but even though things got better there was a lot of negative space there, and I needed to go. My lease was just up, and I was lucky to find a nice little house to rent in a nearby town. So I’ve moved. This is a good thing, but any move is going to be stressful. Getting organized in a new place can be fun, but takes a lot of energy. Just learning your way around adds to the mix.
Health Insurance. As a part of our separation agreement my estranged wife was to keep me on her policy until the divorce was final. That was working out okay, but I’ve found out now that she’s no longer at the same job and my coverage has been canceled. I’m scrambling to find a new carrier, and I’m sure I will. In the meantime however there’s a lot of leg work and countless time on the phone trying to get something secured. Which of course takes me away from my job; and work has been brutal.
And then there’s the depression. The good news on that is, I’ve recently found out that my blood chemistry is most likely the trigger that opened me up to becoming depressed. My B12 was very low, and my testosterone was off the low end of the charts. That alone is enough to set off a depression, and when you pile everything up on top of it, it was inevitable.
And the depression led to the overdose, which led to the hospitalization, which was a horrible experience, and created more stress at work once I was able to go back. And the insurance problem figures in here too. My hospitalization was covered, but the medicines I need to maintain are not. Fortunately, everything that I’m on is generic, so I’m able to obtain what I need, but it’s an added problem to be resolved.
The medicines I’ve been prescribed seem to be working, but have come with some new side effects. Primarily, I can’t sleep. After a few days I got back in touch with my Doctor, and he’s prescribed another medication that will help offset the side effect, but the sleep deprivation didn’t help my stress levels or mood at all.
Enough is enough. It’s time to decompress and relax. I’m reaching out to old friends I’ve lost touch with, and putting myself in a position to make new ones. I’ve stopped trying to figure out everything at the new house; I can find what I need, and the living spaces are comfortably set up. Getting the rest organized can wait; it will still be there next week. I’m going to sit on the porch and listen carefully to the quiet. I’m going to spend as much time as I can with looking for my next job. Sure, I shouldn’t do this at work, but what’s the worst that can happen? I lose my job? At least I’ll have a head start on my search. Of course I’m still working on the insurance problem, but I know it’s only a matter of time before it all works out, and in the meantime I’ve got everything taken care of. The medicines are working, and even if it takes a few more ‘tweaks’ to address side effects, they are making a difference. I’m sleeping again; that in itself is a huge improvement. I’m addressing the vitamin and hormone deficiencies as well, and expect to have them back into acceptable levels in a short time. All of these things feed into the mood and helps me defeats the depression.
I can’t control all the influences and events that we all deal with every day. What I can control is how I react to them. I can control my moods by staying on my treatment plan and keeping up my overall health. I can control my interactions with others and keep them positive and uplifting. I can control my activities and focus on the healthy ones. I can control my living space and make sure it’s comfortable and inviting.
My surroundings aren’t always in control. But I am. And it’s time I had a little peace and quiet.
It’s time for me.