OK, I’ll admit it. My feelings that I was getting a handle on my illness were premature. The depression is returning. It would be easy to explain it on all the old excuses. My job is in jeopardy and I’m very worried about how to survive financially. I’ve been here before and know that it’ll all work out, but it’s still something I fear. The weather is changing and the days are getting shorter. I know I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, but it’s more the anticipation than the actual season. My lease ends the end of September, and I knowing I have to find a new place to live just adds to my anxiety.
But the truth is, there’s no rhyme or reason; it’s just another cycle.
I have just as many reasons to not be depressed. I’m in a healthy relationship with someone who can understand what it’s like to have mood swings. I have my health. I am getting some responses with my job search and have even had a couple of interviews. Sure, I haven’t found the job, but in today’s economy just getting a call back is a major accomplishment and provides hope that there is work to be found. My apartment has been a place of darkness and despair. This was the first place I could find when My soon-to-be ex wife kicked me out, and I spent eight months, unemployed, with only loneliness and time to dwell on her betrayal. I need to move, and should be looking at this as a time to start over on my own terms.
But I’m depressed.
It’s early in the cycle and I’m not in the complete depths and hopelessness that could be. I’m more in a place of limbo. I’m not feeling much of anything these days; just an emotional void. My energy level is low and I don’t feel like doing much of anything. As my current job is winding down there is less and less work to do, but I’m finding it very difficult to motivate myself to do the little bit that still needs to be done.
But there is good news. Thanks to my self-awareness I have the chance to catch it early and take positive steps to keep the beast at bay. I know that there are things I can do, and will do all I can to minimize the down swing and bring myself back to a tolerable level. I know I have too much at stake, and am determined to fight this not only for myself, but to hold on to everything that is so dear. I’m talking with my Psychiatrist today and will discuss some medicine changes to confront my latest symptoms. He’s extremely good at knowing the medications that are most effective and always been willing to work with me in finding just the right one. I have an appointment with my therapist this evening, and she always helps me level set myself and keep my focus on the positive. It’s not just a one-time shot either; both my Therapist and my Dr are extremely flexible and will make themselves available as much as I need They are both very invested in my health and well being and offer their exceptional skills and experience in proving the best care.
My therapist says that the older you are the less impact this disease has. I do believe that it does get better over time, and easier to counteract the mood swings. The pharmaceuticals get better and better at targeting specific symptoms and minimizing side effects. My Psychiatrist keeps me on a minimal number of medications so we do have the ability to make changes in response to mood changes. I am depressed, but I have the greatest arsenal of weapons available and have learned special skills on how to recognize and respond to the moods. It’s not an overnight change, but knowledge is power, and knowing myself the way I do, I will beat this.
I have to. And I will.