I’m very anxious today.
I’m hoping that it’s because there has been so many things this week that have influenced my mood.
For starters, I’m trying to find a new place to live. I’m currently in an apartment, and over the last year a lot of families with teenager girls have moved in. And of course, for every teenage girl, there are four or five teenage boys that come around. For some reason they’ve chosen to hang out in the hallway right outside my door with their drama and loud chatter. I even had one knock on my door at 10:00pm to ask if I had a cigarette. I’m too old for this crap. I’m looking for something with a little more privacy and quiet. Not to mention, I’ve lived in the same county all my life, and there is nothing but bad memories everywhere I go, so I’ve been looking out in the country in some of the surrounding counties where I have no history. The problem is, there’s a good chance I’ll be unemployed in the next month or so, and have to be sure that wherever I end up I can afford to live on my unemployment payments. There just aren’t that many good options, and it’s stressing me out.
That’s another reason for my nervousness. I’ve been working as a contractor for the last six months, and it appears that the job is about to end. The work has really slowed down in the last month, and there’s no sign that it will be picking back up anytime soon. That’s a double whammy. Of course I’m worried about losing my income and going back to barely surviving financially. But with the slowdown of work, it’s becoming harder and harder to find things to do during the day. Trying to look busy when there’s nothing to do make for a miserably long day. And there’s the guilt factor. I’m making good money to sit around all day; reading a book online and searching the internet for a place to rent, and I feel like I’m taking advantage of my employer. I know it is their choice to keep me on, but I’ve always been the type to earn my own way. I’m terribly grateful to have a job, but damn I hate to be there. I’m just marking time until it’s time to go home.
It’s been almost a year since my wife and I separated. In many ways being apart that long is a good thing as I’ve had time to heal and move on to better things. But as it gets closer to getting the divorce brings up a lot of emotions. I have definitely moved on, but it’s still a major loss and I know that it’s going to be difficult to go through. I still have a month before the papers can be filed, but I’m already anticipating just how hard it will be.
I physically don’t feel all that well either. It’s a byproduct of my nervousness I know, but it doesn’t help to maintain a comfort level when the anxiety takes on a physical form. For the last couple of days, my stomach has hurt and I’ve had a tight, painful feeling in my chest. No, it’s nothing to worry about. I’ve had this before and know it’s related directly to my stress level. I feel like I’m about to crawl out of my skin.
I’m a little concerned that it’s not just circumstantial. My mood has been declining during the last month, so I quit taking one of my mood stabilizers in an attempt to offset it. I started this prescription when I started exhibiting some manic symptoms, and it did slow me down. When my mood started down recently, I thought that maybe not taking the prescription it would raise my energy level. I discontinued it about two weeks ago, and now I’m wondering if the change is contributing to my discomfort.
I’m trying to use some tricks and skills I’ve developed over the years to keep on a tolerable level. I force myself to sit still and push the tension out of my shoulders and neck. I’m stopping every few minutes with deep breathing exercises. I’m getting up from my desk and taking a brisk walk around the office. I’ve quit looking at online classifieds for a house. And I’m writing. That always seems to help.
But being a rapid cycler none of my moods tend to last very long. And it’s Friday, so in just a few hours I will be out of the office environment and can start to decompress. I’m going out tonight to listen to some live music, and spending the weekend with someone I really care for.
I’ve just got to relax in the meantime. I guess I’ll take another walk.