A friend of mine recently told me he was going back on the Dog food diet. He said that eating dry dog food three times a day really didn’t taste bad, and he lost 30 pounds while he was on the diet. So I asked him why he had stopped the first time. He said, “The last time I was on it I was sitting in the middle of the street licking my balls and was hit by a car”.
That’s right boys and girls, today is another day to attempt humor.
Like one baby tells another in a scared voice…”I kid you not… that airplane was headed right towards my mouth!
Some days when I’m manic as hell my humor cup runneth over. I have a huge memory bank full of jokes, and can come up with new ones faster than I can keep up with. Sadly, today isn’t one of those days. Sorry.
Blond jokes? A blond and a brunette were talking in an elevator, and the brunette noticed that the guy riding with them has a bad case of dandruff. When he got off on his floor, she said to the blond “He could use some head and shoulders”. The blond thought about it a minute…then said “How do you give shoulders?”
Yep. I’ve got a million of them. Unfortunately they are mostly bad.
Some of them are true stories too.
My brother borrowed my truck to move, and later that night he left a message on my voice mail that he had somehow managed to lock the keys in the truck with the motor running and did I have another set of keys. Before I can get back to him, he calls me back and says “Never mind. The driver’s window was rolled down.”
Sometimes others are funnier than I am, and I shamelessly steal them.
A dancer is admiring the new wood floors he’s just had installed in his house. “Yep” he thinks… “I’d tap that”.
Most of my jokes are just silly.
There’s the crazy guy jumping up and down on a manhole cover saying 49, 49, 49 over and over. A bystander walks up to him and asks him what he’s doing… They guy says “This is fun, you ought to try it”. The bystander is skeptical, but just to humor him he starts jumping up and down on the cover saying 49, 49, 49. Just when he’s about to stop and tell the man he’s an idiot, the crazy guy jerks the manhole cover off and the unlucky bystander falls down into the sewer. The crazy guy calmly replaces the cover, and starts jumping up and down on it again saying “50, 50, 50”…..
The old guy is worried that his wife is losing her hearing because it takes two or three times before she will respond to something he asks her. So he asks his family Dr if there’s anything he can do to help her. The Dr tells him that the first thing he needs to do is confirm that she has a hearing problem. “Stand 10 feet away and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move to 5 feet away and ask her again. Still no answer, then move right next to her and ask”. So that night he stands across the room from her and asks “What’s for dinner?” No response. Halfway across the room he asks again “What’s for dinner?” Still nothing. Right behind her he asks again in a loud voice “Honey, what’s for dinner?” His wife turns around and in an exasperated voice says “I told you three times, CHICKEN”.
And finally… (Thank goodness!)
A scientist figures out that he can keep porpoises alive forever by feeding them a mixture of chopped sea gulls and kelp. One day while he is at the beach catching sea gulls, an old toothless lion somehow manages to wander away from the zoo, and makes it to the scientist’s house, then promptly falls asleep on his sidewalk. When the Scientist returns he sees the old cat laying in his way. He can tell that the lion is old and just enjoying the sunshine, so he quietly steps over him and makes his way to the door. Before he can get into the house, three FBI agents jump out from behind a bush and arrest him! The charge? Transporting Gulls across a Staid Lion for Immortal Porpoises. (It’s a pun people… read it aloud)
Being bipolar is nothing to laugh about. It’s a serious disease that makes you miserable, ruins you financially, kills relationships and destroys lives. But sometimes all you can do is laugh. It beats crying anyway.
Even if you’re laughing at me for thinking I’m funny.