I woke up grumpy this morning. No, that’s not a joke (I woke up grumpy this morning…I should have let her sleep). I’m just, well, grumpy. Not that I have any reason to be, it’s just one of those days. Things that are normally just a part of my day are annoying the crap out of me.
It started before I even got out of bed. I normally wake up just a few minutes before the alarm goes off, but this morning I was woken up with the annoying scream of the clock. I couldn’t find the off button, and it was all I could do not to throw the thing across the room. Then I rolled out of bed, and could hardly move I was so sore. I haven’t had to do yard work in a long time, but I helped my girlfriend with her yard yesterday and it really took its toll on my old body. Just being sore was annoying enough, but the fact that I’m not as young as I used to be when I could do twice as much without a problem is irritating.
Having slept until the alarm went off, I didn’t have time for my morning routine. I like to sit outside and have a couple of cups of coffee and watch it get light. I got my first cup, but it would have been really pushing the time if I’d dallied over a second one. So I cut my routine short and jumped right in to getting ready before I was really awake. I did take the time for an extra cigarette, but that just increased my irritability. I know I’m smoking too much. My cough is worse, and sometimes it even makes my chest hurt. How stupid is that? Not to mention as expensive cigarettes are now. I know that it’s really bad to smoke at all and especially as much as I am now, but I feel powerless to change. And feeling powerless really pisses me off.
The light is changing and the days are getting shorter. Fall isn’t such a bad time, except I know winter isn’t far behind. I hate winter. I hate the cold, and the short days always start a downward spiral. Not to mention that a lot of bad things have happened to me between November and January for years and years, and I know that I’m going to end up depressed. It happens every year, so why should I expect this year to be any different? In spite of the fact that it’s just the first week of August, I’m already anticipating the crash which only increases my bad mood.
I managed to get out the door on time today. And actually the drive in should have been almost a pleasant experience. I made it through 8 of the 9 stoplights between the house and work without having to stop. And the one I did have to stop for was only a minute before it turned green. I averaged 10 miles an hour over the speed limit and made it to my office in record time. But no, that wasn’t good enough. Even though I was moving right along just as fast as I wanted to, there’s always some idiot that wants to go faster. I hate having people tailgate me, especially when I’m moving along and passing everyone else in the right lane. But these idiots not only road right up my butt, but were weaving in and out through the traffic ahead of me. Lord knows I’ve driven the same way, but this morning I felt like throwing something at them.
But the biggest annoyance is feeling like I’m headed into another manic episode. A lot of times my mania starts with irritability before growing into anger and blossoming into a full blown rage. Any time I start feeling the least bit grouchy I wonder if this is the beginning of another one. It is one of my warning signs, so anytime I have that irrational annoyance I start to wonder if I’m headed up. Great; wouldn’t that be just freaking lovely. I’ve been feeling fairly level for a while now, at least with the way I cycle and was starting to believe that I had finally hit the right combination with my medications. That really pisses me off!
But one bad day does not make an episode. That’s been one of the lesions I’ve really been trying to teach myself. I have to allow myself to have a grumpy day; or a sad day, or even an overly energetic day from time to time. How can you appreciate the good days if you don’t have a bad? We had a great spring this year; day after day was just once nice day after another. After a while you don’t even notice the good weather anymore. Throw a few scorching hot days, or a long, gloomy rainy day and the next nice day is just beautiful.
In spite of all the bitching, I really don’t have a reason to be in such a mood. These are everyday things that normally I can take in stride. I’ve got to give myself permission to just be a grump today. I’m a rapid cycler so I do have to pay attention to the mood, but you know? Some days it’s OK to just have a bad day. It’ll make tomorrow that much better.