It’s a sad day. I was feeling out of sorts last night, not really down, but definitely blah. I woke up early as usual, but couldn’t get moving and was sluggish and slow. I just couldn’t get my morning routine going. Normally I have a couple of cups of coffee while I read my overnight email and the news on my computer. Not much email today and I never even got to the news. Who really cares what’s going on anyway? Normally I’ll have a smoke while my coffee is brewing, then one with each cup of coffee. This morning however I ended up smoking twice as much. Instead of following my schedule I kept stepping outside and burning one.
In spite of getting up early, I somehow managed to be late to work. The only good news about this is my normal starting time is 30 minutes before the workday starts, so being late really meant I was on time. Still, it sets the mood for the rest of the day. I have no energy. I have no motivation. I work as a contractor and feel like I have to be on my game every day, so being down like this feeds into the down mood as I start to worry about being unemployed again. Yet I can’t seem to care.
Monday’s are also bad because as much as I’m thankful for my job, I really don’t like having to work. The culture of my current position is very laid back and methodical. That’s not my style… I’ve always been a real ‘go-getter’ that works best when running full steam ahead. I still do that, but by lunchtime I’ve run out of things to do, which makes the afternoon really drag on and on. And again, this feeds into the feeling of insecurity. Even though I’m accomplishing as much or more as my peers, it just feels wrong to sit here with nothing to do. And having nothing to do gives me the time to dwell on the sadness.
I also start the day lonely. I always spend the weekend with my girlfriend, and most times we are having some kind of adventure. We go on trips, we have night time bonfires, we explore antique shops, and always have a good time. Even just sitting around relaxing is fun. So come Monday its back to reality. And reality sucks.
Everything just seems negative and dark. My mood hangs over me like a gloomy winter day. I’m cold inside, and there is no sun. I sit in my chair staring at my computer, either thinking about what I should be doing and feeling guilty, or just thinking about nothing at all. Mostly I’m thinking about nothing at all; just numb. Numb, lethargic, and sad. I feel like I want to cry.
And all this makes me angry. Not in a manic, raging way, but just generally pissed off. I’m mad that I feel this way. I’m mad that my mood makes me feel like I’m putting my job at risk. I’m mad that I have no energy, although the lack of energy contains my anger. I’ve heard that depression is suppressed anger, but I’m not sure which came first. But it pisses me off.
I know one day does not a depression make. Or maybe it does. For me it seems that being bipolar changes the rules on what qualifies as a depression. My impression of a typical depression is something that develops over time, and takes time to resolve. That certainly doesn’t apply to where I am today. This sure feels like a depression though. I’m just as sad and hopeless and slow like any other depression I’ve ever experienced. An ‘instant’ bipolar depression has one positive thing, as far as depression goes. As rapidly as it descends, it can just as quickly be gone. And I’ve learned that while the day of depression is not fun, it will be OK. Because I know it’ll pass.
It has to.