Frustration

I’m frustrated.  I just can’t seem to get the Mania under control.  I increased my risperidone about four weeks ago, and after three of four days I thought it was going to make the difference.  I could tell I was coming down, and although I never felt ‘normal’, I was at least hypomanic instead of in a full blown episode.  Then I skipped a dose last weekend and by the end of the day I was flying high.  I immediately got back on my regimen and again thought I was getting back to a more manageable level.  But no…  Here I go again.

I go to a bipolar support group on Wednesday nights.  It’s a great support, and you couldn’t find a better group of people.  You would think that having 20 or 30 people with Bipolar together in the same room would result in chaos and drama, but for the most part it’s not that way at all.  It’s not uncommon to see people there who are having a depressive episode, but it’s kind of rare to see anyone manic.  Except me.  The last couple of weeks I’ve been wide open at the group, with the pressured speech and uncontrollable movements that come from too much energy.  This week it got so bad I had to leave shortly after the meeting started; the energy was just too great, and my annoyance factor was off the chart.  No reason to be annoyed, it’s just part of my mania.  I tried to cover it by checking my phone like I had a call or a message, then slipping away.   Somehow however I doubt I was as slick as I believed.  I really hate being like that, but it would have been worse if I had stayed.  I always feel so alienated from the group when I show up in a mania, even though rationally I know that there’s no judgment or negativity.  We’ve all been there, but that doesn’t make me feel like a total jerk.

So today, here I sit at work, bouncing off the walls.  The energy is almost unbearable.  Of course I should be working, but there’s none of that going on today.  I’m struggling staying focused enough on my writing here; it takes a lot of time just to finish even one sentence, and I’m on my umpteenth draft now.  But I’m not working.  I know that this is somewhat self destructive behavior.  If I’m “caught” working on this instead of my job there could be major consequences.  I’m in a contract role, so it only takes one time to blow it.  But I’m out of control.   I can’t keep still.   My chest is tight.  My hands shake and my pulse is pounding.  The thoughts are coming faster than I can keep up with.

There are two guys hanging off the side of the building cleaning the outside of my window.  How awesome is that.  I wonder if they can see me sitting here?  They have more balls than I do, that’s for sure.  It’s a long way down.

I’m trying really hard to keep my mania away from my coworkers.  I’m heads down at my desk listening to music on my ear buds and generally trying to stay hidden.  But I’ve had two different people ask me how much coffee I’ve had this morning, so I guess I haven’t done as well as I need to.  My biggest challenge is to keep my mouth shut.   Once that gets going I just can’t stop.   I have to find a better way to hide.

So yes, I’m frustrated.  I can see my mood elevating and know I’m just asking for trouble with my job.  But like a car with no breaks, there’s just no stopping.  I’m thankful that today is Friday, and many of my coworkers either take off or work from home, so m exposure is at least limited.  And I have the weekend coming up, so I can increase my dosage again and maybe a little more in control by Monday.  But as bad as it is, it beats being depressed.  At least I can make it into my office and pretend to work instead of not even being able to get out of bed.   Now if I can just make it through today.  Tomorrow is going to be better, right?  I Hope so.   This isn’t fun at all.  Frustrating.

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