I think I need to stop thinking

My brain is running amok today.  I’ve been up since 3:00am in spite of the chemical sleep inducer I take every night.  Or the meds that are supposed to help with the pressured thinking.  But the thoughts woke me up out of a dead sleep, bouncing around inside my head like a rubber ball in a clothes dryer.  I decided that putting this randomness into words might help settle the mind. So I went to my list of topics thinking that it might help if I could pick a single topic to write about.

It didn’t work. 

So I’m trying a different approach.  Instead of attempting to control my out of control thinking, I’m giving in to the condition my brain has decided it needs.  It’s still difficult.   Every word, every sentence comes hard.   I get halfway through a sentence and stop; then repeat the fragment over and over in my head until my train of thought comes around again and picks up where I left off. 

I’ve been thinking about my Grandparents a lot.  Recent events and realizations have pulled up some memories long ago filed away in the deepest recesses of my brain.  For the most part they are good memories and recall a very happy time of my life. 

 And I’m pissed.  I was supposed to be in court later this morning to (Hopefully) finalize the last open issue remaining from my divorce six years ago.  Yes, six years ago.  This bitch just won’t go away.  But my attorney tells me last night that she has a conflicting case, and has asked the court to reschedule.  Again.  Now it won’t be until October or November until it makes it back on the docket. 

I’m really excited.  I have a trip planned this weekend with someone who very well may become my closest friend.  Maybe they already are.  I think I’m about to find out. 

Work is a bitch.  Not that I have an overwhelming about of things to do or difficult people to deal with.  It’s quite the opposite.  The nature of my job has an ebb and flow of busyness, and I’m on the slow side. That makes for a really long day.  Fortunately I have someone available for chatting that fills some of the long hours. 

I want a cigarette.  Guess I need to put on some pants before I go outside.

I found out last night that this old guy I’ve been seeing around town lately was a good friend of my family, and owned the farm next to my Grandparents.    Once we figured out who we were, we spent a couple of hours sharing stories about the old days.  His son showed up and I found out he was best friends with a cousin of mine who died back in the seventies.  And somewhere in the family tree there were some crossed branches, and we are actually related. 

I’ve been thinking about my Grandparents a lot.

I had a therapy session on Monday that gave me a lot to think about.  We had a long discussion about relationships, and how even what appears to be the strongest can actually be toxic and destructive.   And how I keep making the same mistakes over and over. 

Chickens are funny. 

I hope my cat is OK.   I think she has another bladder infection.  She’s old now, and I worry about losing her.  She was my Mom’s cat, and I promised to take care of her just before my Mom passed away. 

I want another cigarette.  Where did I leave my pants?

I guess I need to get ready for work.  It’s been difficult finding the motivation to get in on time since there hasn’t been a lot to do.  I wonder if anyone will notice if I skip shaving this morning.  Yeah, they will.  With my white beard it looks like I’ve been eating powdered donuts if I don’t. 

I have a lot to do before my trip this weekend.  Maybe I’ll skip my support group tonight to say home and get ready.  Then again, I haven’t been going very much lately.  There’s always Thursday night to get ready. 

So welcome to the madness that is mine.  Sure, everybody has random thoughts that keep them up nights or refuse to go away.  I guess the difference is the speed that mine change, and the pervasiveness and disruption to my ‘normal’ thinking.  It’s out of control. 

But now I need to get ready to go.  I need to remember to shave first.  I think I have time for one more cigarette before getting in the shower.

Now where are my damned pants.

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