I’ve made my decision

I decided I didn’t want to live.

Things have been bad for a long time now.  My depression isn’t getting any better in spite of all the things I’ve been trying to do and all the changes in medications.  It’s been almost impossible to work.  I’ve complained for a while that there isn’t enough work to do to stay busy, but things finally picked up a couple of weeks ago.  But being so depressed it’s been all I can do to keep up with the bare minimum.  I just have no motivation and no energy.  I spend my day staring at the computer screen or out the window, waiting until it’s finally time to go home.  But it isn’t any better there.  As soon as I’m home I just wander around from room to room, checking email for the 100th time and watching reruns of shows I’ve recorded.  I have no appetite at all and trying to cook dinner for myself is out of the question.  Sometimes I can force myself to eat a frozen dinner, but many days I don’t eat at all.  I’ve lost so much weight I’ve had to start wearing jeans that I had to buy in the boys’ department as I can’t find a small enough size in men’s.  It’s absolutely miserable.  So I plod through each day, dreading the drive into work and hating being home when I’m done for the day.  So I start looking forward to the weekend.  At least I can sleep and not worry about trying to look busy at work.  But weekends are even harder than weeknights.  The solitude and isolation is almost more than I can bear.  Sometimes I am able to go out on Saturday night, and that’s a big help.  But it only lasts a short time, and Sundays are the worst days of all.  In spite of being so miserable at home, the weekend just flies by, and before I know it it’s back to work on Monday.  And so it starts again.  So let me put it into perspective… I struggle through the workday, I go home to nothing and I spend my weekends miserable and alone.  There’s nothing to look forward to and no relief anywhere.  It’s bad.

But no matter how bad things get, they can always get worse.  My biggest fear about work has come true.  I was told yesterday that my position has been eliminated and I my contract would be over the end of this month.  The ‘good’ news is, there’s another position available in a different department, but the pay is literally half as much as I’m making now.  It’s not quite as bad as being on unemployment, but damned close.  I could live on the lower pay, barely, but I won’t be able to get health insurance and I won’t be able to afford my medications out of pocket.  I know I need to stay on my medications, but it’s going to be a matter of spending the money for that, or paying rent and buying groceries.  Having my meds but living on the street isn’t an option, so I’m stuck.  There are no good options.

So I decided it was time.

Once I made the decision I felt at peace for the first time in years.  I wasn’t afraid; I’d been there before.  When I had my overdose the end of August I got an idea of what it’s like.  I took pills, and then there was nothingness.  For three days I just ceased to exist.  That time I eventually came back, but I knew what to expect.  I started putting together a plan.  As most bipolar people I have a medicine cabinet full of pills, so I started doing some research on the internet to find out which ones and which combinations I should use.  I decided that it should be a tranquilizer and my blood pressure medicine.  If I took enough of both I should just go to sleep and never wake up.  I started to write it all down; the misery and unhappiness that drove me to the decision, the plan on how to make it happen, and what I needed to do before I did to get and give closure to those that mattered.

That’s when I started to get scared.  Putting it down in black and white it was becoming real.  I’d come very close to dying with the last overdose and knew that this time it could be successful.  I started thinking about the real impact it would have on others.  The depression might tell me that the people I care about will be okay and eventually get over it, but my common sense told me that it would devastate those I love.  I have to believe that sooner or later my situation will get better.  If I can be patient I will eventually come out of my depression.  In spite of the pay cut, I do still have a job.  And the fact that my company wanted to hold on to me meant that even though I was struggling so hard to do my job I still had value.  There are other options for getting my medications, especially on such a low salary.  Insurance is another question, but even that has options.  I was afraid that no matter how bad I feel now, it would be a big mistake.

So I started to make a new plan.  I would take the new job and hope that the change in environment will make it easier to make it through my day.  I have a little bit of money in savings, and can get another month of medications until I can figure out another way.  And I had talked with my Therapist yesterday afternoon, and she suggested that I talked to the nurse-practitioner about cheaper alternatives to the meds I’m on.  I can look for a part time job after work and weekends to help bring in more money and limit my time alone.  And if I can carry enough hours, it may be possible to get benefits and take care of my insurance problem.  I might even make some new friends.

A drowning man will grab on to any flotsam and struggle to the very end to stay afloat.  If you’re starving you will eat unspeakable things to stay alive.  We have a built in survival mechanism that give us incredible strength to make it through the most deadly circumstances.  When faced with the ultimate decision to end it all, my will to survive kicked it and I pulled back from the abyss.  My life is hard, and is about to get harder, but it is life after all.  As hard as it may be, it’s still better than the alternative.  If I can only hold on I have to believe it will get better.  I’ve survived worse, and I can survive this.  I have to, for myself and for those I love.

I have decided I want to live.

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227 Responses to I’ve made my decision

  1. I have a friend who was diagnosed as bipolar type 2, and once I managed to convince him that the problem was his location and lack of friends, instead of himself, he became much happier. He moved to a different city, where no one knew his medical history, and people just saw him as a person and – boom! – life got better. No trace of the bipolar now, just ADHD, and even that is fading some. Also, medications can sometimes make stuff worse. ;)

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  2. Thank God for you, I’m happy you got scared about ending your life. You are very precious to God. it is well with you.

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  3. skyebluepink says:

    It makes me so sad to hear of people in the US forced to make choices between eating/rent and healthcare. Makes me grateful for our NHS where it would all be provided free. I’m glad you made the choice to live, and I’m sure that the people who love you are glad of that choice too.

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  4. We were not made to be defeated. Were not destined to vulnerability. Invulnerability and Undefeatedness through Faith. Have faith that there is always light after darkness and joy after agony. That is how it is meant to be. Bless you for making the rightest decision.

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  5. Med says:

    I’m slightly jealous of you that you were able to take the step back from the abyss, because I’ve been here so many times that I just don’t know how to get out of it anymore.

    For 6 years I’ve contemplated suicide almost every day and I can feel it now, I’m going to do it by the end of the week. I don’t blame other people for the state I’m in. I blame myself for not having the shoulders to carry the burdens of living in our society.

    That’s why all my relationships have failed and my partners have left me for other men. That’s why my family have no respect for me. That’s why people shout and get angry, even though I am always passive. That’s why I don’t want to get up in the morning.

    I don’t expect anything from the world, and I don’t think the world owes me anything. It is how it is and it probably will never become the society that I sometimes dream of. But I don’t want to raise a child to have to grow up in it. And I no longer want to be in relationships which are built on our society’s standards and perspectives.

    I don’t speak to anybody about it and and I can’t really say I’ve ever had someone notice it before. People in my family just don’t ask those little questions; ‘How are you?’ ‘How was work today?’ ‘You look down, is there something on your mind?’ And that’s just how it is. It’s nobody’s fault it’s just the way things are.

    But I woke up yesterday morning and I thought of all the things that I’ve been pretending not to feel for so long; the heartbreak and the loneliness, and I couldn’t even muster a tear. All I got was a dull ache. That’s when I realised, in that moment, that I am dead inside.

    I’ve tried every avenue in the past; philosophy, psychiatry, psychotherapy, medication, immersing myself in work, writing my music, or trying to reach out, I even turned myself to God the past year, but I have found that it simply offends people on every level to think that a person honestly and genuinely wishes for their own death. And anger is the result of that, instead of the simple show of affection and love that might turn my whole world around. The thing I desire desperately.

    And again, that’s nobody’s fault. That’s just the way our society is. And I’ve come to realise that I’m just not built for it.

    So I’ve made my decision now. I guess I just wanted someone to read it and even if nobody understands, at least I’ve written it for someone to see.

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    • Thank you for your comment… And you’re absolutely right, I DO Understand. If you’ve read any of my other blogs you know I’ve been there many times before. And I’ve tried all the things that you have to try and get through it. I know how you feel, and it’s a horrific place to be And when you’re so deep in the depression and someone offers encouraging words all you hear is ‘blah blah blah…and you can’t stop thinking that no one understands. But if you read through all the blogs then you know that there IS a way out of the abyss. No matter how bad I’ve felt, and no matter how long it’s gone on, it does get better. That I can promise you. And more people than you could believe do understand, and do care about you. There are 1,000’s of people I’ve never met except through my writing that have reached out and let me know that my life is important, and worth the struggle to survive. I know where you are. I know how bad it is. I know it feels like it will never change. But don’t believe that there is no hope. There is always hope, and always a way back from the brink. Please don’t try to fight this alone. Get help. Now. This crisis will pass. You may feel at the moment that no one cares and everyone’s lives will be better with you gone. But you’re wrong. I care, and I know that anyone who follows this blog cares too. Your life has a meaning and a purpose. Talk to a doctor, a friend, or even go to an emergency room and let them help you make it through one more day. I’ve been through it all, and I can promise you with no question. It does get better. Give yourself that chance.

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  6. Pingback: Ravens In The Wilderness: How I Overcame Depression | MylaUpshaw.com

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